Two Day Magazine

Getting comfortable with being UNcomfortable...

Sometimes, you and your partner are on the same page; it is almost like you are two bodies with one mind.

Other times, well, not so much.  You want to go out dancing until dawn with a big group. Your partner wants to stay home and enjoy a quiet evening, just the two of you.

There are many compromises that must happen in relationships. Some of the hardest to maneuver entail physical intimacy.

For example, I was working with a client the other day whose husband wanted to try, um, a new place to “make whoopy” (and I’m not talking about another room).  

She was mortified telling me his request, “how disgusting! What a pig. And, does he really think that little of me to even ask? He obviously has no respect for me.”

I tried to remind her that everyone has different interests. Even in the sphere of heterosexuality, there are many ways to approach sexuality. What he was requesting (his backdoor order, if you will), is not horribly uncommon. And, in all likeliness, was an indication that he trusted and loved his wife enough to want to share his desires and fantasies.

But before you think I told her to just give it a try (NOT what a good shrink would do), I helped her go through five steps to help her determine how she wanted to handle this situation.  

These steps apply to potential sexual requests that make you feel uncomfortable, as well as any situation where you and your partner are on different wavelengths.

The five steps to addressing differing desires in a relationship are:

Figure out what is your aversion to this new idea: 

Does it disgust, scare, bore, offend, embarrass, upset or worry you? And then ask why. For example, one client’s wife wanted him to take dance lessons with her. He expressed an aversion to dancing. When we explored it further, however, it was because he didn’t feel comfortable on the dance floor. While taking lessons did not rank up there with his passion to go to a Superbowl, he discovered it was less repugnant than he had expected (maybe even fun, although he would no admit that to his friends).

Determine if your thoughts are rational:

For my client (above), she was convinced her husband’s request was an indication that he thought so little of her, that he was throwing out an insult. In fact, this was not true. After working together, she realized that she had some assumptions that were causing her more distress and decided to speak with her husband about her thoughts.  When she did, he was able to communicate with her that it was because he trusts and loves her so much that he wanted to amp up their sex life.

Get comfortable being uncomfortable:

An important ingredient of a happy life includes mixing things up, trying new activities, doing things differently. And sometimes this means being a little uncomfortable because of the novelty of an event.  Change your mindset from “that’s not what I do” to “that sounds interesting, let’s give it a try.”

Be true to yourself:

While you do want to be adventurous, you also want to be true to yourself. Never go against your values and virtues- that will never make you happy and can lead to resentment towards your partner.

Make it all about love:

Requests from your partner that may differ from your usual desires can cause tension but need not. Remember that, regardless of the expressed “bid,” love is the underlying common variable.  And keep in mind the 3 C’s:

• Communicate: talk out your thoughts and concerns and LISTEN to your partner

• Compromise: look for ways to make situations win-win for you both

• Cherish: the time and love you have

Follow these five steps when you are your partner have differing interests. And if you do, you will be an even happier you!

*********************************

For more on happiness, check out twodaymag's happiness contributor and author, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo's book: A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness