Two Day Magazine

Part Two: Men

“Why do you think guys cheat?” I once asked a female bartender at a bar I was in just outside of St. Louis.

Her response was, “Because they’re assholes.”  

Well, being a guy I’d like to think of myself as not an asshole, but I found it hard to argue with her. Here is a beautiful girl that I found out later was cheated on, she did everything she thought she was supposed to do; she was faithful, supportive and fun. Yet, he didn’t seem appreciative enough to stay faithful in return.

There are unfortunately many reasons men, like women, are unfaithful. Since I talked about women in part one, http://www.twodaymag.com/love/view/why-do-people-cheat/  here is some of the science behind the male side of it.

Throughout the evolution of our species, men play a very different part in the childbearing process than women. To produce a child requires only a few minutes of work by the man (the fun part, if you will), while the woman has a nine-month period of carrying the child (the “special needs” part) followed by a intensive labor period (the really crappy part) and then even providing food and care for the child after it is born (the part the man can chip in with if he wants).

Men desire to spread their seed and it’s shown that the best way to do this is to have as many encounters as possible; since having a child is simply not as biologically expensive for a man as it is for a woman.

This leads to an evolved desire for sexual variety. There have been a lot of studies that document this and a need for variety usually leads to the modern sense of novelty.

Perhaps the most interesting study of novelty and variety in male sexuality is what is known as the “Coolidge Effect.”

The term comes from an old joke involving the former president and his wife visiting a poultry farm, but the effect itself is fascinating. It states that after ejaculation, a male needs a certain amount of time before he can service the same woman. However, if a new woman is introduced at that point, then the recovery time is reduced, if not completely eliminated. In lab rats, researchers found that they could keep adding new female rats until the male collapsed of exhaustion. I don’t know if the testing on humans has been quite that extensive, if not I’m guessing you could find some willing volunteers on most college campuses. I do know that it does exist in humans on some level.

It would seem that fidelity is a trait more genetically favored by women, while the Coolidge effect has been found to apply to women, it is to a much lesser degree.

That being said, for you guys out there, it is important to note that this is not a free pass or an excuse to run around on your significant other, just because that is the underlying biological force of the desire to cheat. It does not mean you are a slave to it. I mean, you are more than just your body, right? It is simply where some of these urges come from. A guy can see a girl he’s attracted to and know that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his significant other any less. It does not matter what your genetic behavioral traits are. You always have the choice whether or not to act on them.

So the evolutionary psychology is pretty much the basis for the urges of most male infidelity. However, rarely do urges alone cause a guy to be unfaithful; the reasons that push a guy into the actual act is different depending on the guy. Some reasons include:

-Boredom: If a guy gets too comfortable in his relationship. There are few things more exhilarating than the “thrill of the hunt.” If you or your partner is getting bored, find ways to spice things up, I’m sure there are some good suggestions on the internet, try http://twodaymag.com/love/view/how-to-play for a start!

-Frustration: He may be really frustrated with the way he is being treated. He might feel disrespected or even worse, emasculated. If you sense this is the case, it is time for an honest dialogue and you might even have to admit some faults of your own.

-Narcissism: This is actually a big one. There are several studies that show that the level of narcissism in the male has more effect on his fidelity than the condition of his relationship. Narcissistic guys are very attractive, especially to women in their late teens and early twenties. If you have a very narcissistic guy, there are some ways your can help aide that, but that would require another article. Narcissism is the case with most high profile men, athletes and celebrities. This is also most likely the kind of guy the female bartender I was talking to was dating.

Here are some general questions women ask me about male infidelity:

-She’s not prettier than me, why would he throw what we have away for her?
Looks have a lot to do with male attraction, but little to do with relationship choices. Unless a guy is only with a girl for her looks (read: trophy wife/girlfriend), then he might view the mistress as a possible replacement. Otherwise, a chosen mistress’s looks are not relative to the current significant other’s looks. She only has to be attractive, not more attractive. He most likely wasn’t looking to replace what he had, she was supposed to be “in addition to.” I hate to use Tiger Woods as an example because it’s been beaten to death, but look at his list compared to his wife…

-Did he really think he could get away with it?
Probably not. In this situation, few guys are calculating enough to plan past the first few meetings. They have no idea how difficult it would be to keep up a long-term lie. Whatever is motivating him (see above) is making him move forward. Chances are he really wasn’t thinking at about the consequences. Sometimes, if a guy is really frustrated in his relationship, he might subconsciously want to get caught, as it will serve as an opportunity to shed light on the real problems with the relationship without requiring the courage to bring it up himself. To be fair, this applies to both genders. I once knew a woman who was so unhappy in her marriage that she intentionally left the text messages from the guy she was running around with on her phone in the hopes her husband would find it… I don’t think he ever did, though.

-How can I tell if my man is cheating?

As far as I know, there is no surefire way to tell if he’s cheating or not (short of catching him in the act I suppose). If there has been a huge change in his behavior, then that could indicate a huge change in his life. Cheating is just one example of a change in his life. Your best bet here is to get to know him better. Nagging or flat out accusing him with no basis is usually a bad idea as it shows insecurity and can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy (keep nagging him for no reason, and if he wasn’t cheating before he’s going to want to now, trust me).

If you’ve noticed a significant change in his behavior and have no idea what caused it, explain your concerns calmly and rationally (guys appreciate rationality). If he continues to say nothing caused the change, then it might be worth further investigation (but not always, so be careful). Remember though, relationships have to have some element of trust. If you can’t trust him (due to something he did or some issue you have) then you’re going to have a hard time being truly happy with it.

To both guys and girls, I would say it is best to catch any issues that would cause infidelity early. If you are really in tune with each other, than a lot of times you can spot when something changes before any real wrong act has been committed.  

Let me finish by saying that I am not implying in any way that the victim of infidelity solely caused the infidelity, male or female. If someone is going to cheat, regardless of his or her reasons, he or she needs to do the right thing and abstain, or end the relationship. If abuse is involved (physical or psychological) then there are other, more serious steps that need to be taken.

Ultimately, it is very important that you both remember a relationship is a partnership. It works best when you both give each other what you truly need. If you do that and stay in honest communication then you have got a good chance at many years of relational fulfillment.