Two Day Magazine

Overcoming the feeling of helplessness...

Drew, one of my clients who had been dating a woman (Angie) for about 6 months came into session the other day asking, “Why does she have to cry?”

Drew explained that he and Angie had been out to dinner having a great time when she brought up the dreaded relationship subject.

He said, “I did not want to talk about it, especially with all those people around us, and when I told her that, she started crying.”

Now, women out there who are reading this might say, “Of course, she started crying. She thought you did not want to talk about your relationship because you do not really care about her.”

Male readers might be saying, “Of course she started crying; she was trying to manipulate you.”

Neither of which is probably true.

Crying seems to provide a communication grenade for couples.

As women, we see crying as merely a result of intense emotions.

Men, on the other hand, often catastrophize the existence of tears.

As Drew told me, “I feel like the worse guy in the world when she cries, and I have no idea how to stop it. So, I told her I want us to have a future together.  That’s not really where I am, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

Hello, helplessness. Helplessness refers to feeling powerless and unable to act. As humans (and even animals in general), that is NOT a comfortable state to be in.  And, this concept of helplessness leads to more problems.

When we are in a state helplessness, we often try whatever we can to get out.  And, if that does not work, we feel even worse.

During the late 1960’s there were some classic psychological studies looking at the concept of what the researchers called learned helplessness.

They randomly assigned dogs into three groups (No, I am not comparing men to dogs, but the study does provide good insight on human behavior). 

Group One was put in a harnesses for a period of time and later released. This was the control group.

Group Two was harnessed and then intentionally subjected to electric shocks (a painful stimulus), which the dog could end by pressing a lever. As you can imagine, the dogs quickly learned to press the lever, and all was then good.

Group Three, however, was another story.  Like Group Two, these dogs were harnessed and given electric shocks. The difference, however, was Group Three levers didn't stop the electric shocks; the shocks were inescapable. You can almost picture these poor canines trying to do something- anything- to stop the painful stimulus.

While Groups One and Two moved on without problem with their lives after the experiment, Group Three had profound and lasting changes. They learned to be helpless and showed signs of clinical depression. This feeling of helplessness caused significant and lasting changes in their psychological health.

Why am I providing what may be construed as a brief Psych 101 lecture?  To help you understand this concept of helplessness and how it applies to relationships.

Going back to my client, Drew was feeling helpless when Angie was crying, especially with others around him seeing this. In an effort to stop what he viewed as a painful stimulus, he did what he could to stop it.  His strong desire to get rid of his feelings of helplessness resulted in him saying something he did not mean.

And, trust me, this led to more problems down the road (and tears from Angie).

The take home message?  You are not helpless.  There are always ways to have some control, whether it changing the situation (i.e., getting her to stop crying) or your reaction to it (realizing crying is just what some women do when they have strong emotions; it does NOT mean you are horrible).

When you no longer feel helpless, you will not say things you later regret. And you will be an even happier you!

**********************************

For more on happiness, check out twodaymag's happiness expert and author, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo's book: A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness

Follow her on twitter: @DrELombardo