Two Day Magazine

Learn How to Let Go

Usually, things are wonderful in the beginning of a new relationship. You are just getting to know someone, you are experiencing everything through their eyes, you enjoy one another’s company tremendously. But, then, one day, you wake up, look at this person next to you and realize that you are just not compatible, anymore.

Lives change and forever is a long time to wait to get back that loving feeling. Of course, relationships have peaks and valleys, and anyone who’s been with their lover for a long time will tell you that relationships are not easy. They take effort, work and commitment to keep that flame burning bright. But, what happens when that light becomes extinguished and there is no hope for bringing back the heat?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine the other night. He was explaining to me that his marriage has fallen apart and whenever he tried to reconnect with his estranged wife after a period of separation, he realized that the only glue binding them together was their children.

Even at the start of their relationship, it revolved around their kids’ lives. Their vacations were family oriented, their outings were family oriented, even their time alone was spent talking about the children. Well, now his kids are grown and he wondered if he can ever get back to where he and his wife were at the beginning of the relationship. You know, that mystical place people create in their minds about a life that may or may not have even existed. Everything was “better when” but they can never seem to tell you what it was exactly that made it so. Blame it on nostalgia, blame it on selective memory, the truth is, sometimes we create ideals in our minds and reality can never truly live up to them.

After much soul searching, he realized, that where they were “once upon a time” wasn’t all that great to begin with. Their lives only intersected over mutual interests (those being the kids) and now without that, there was a giant void in the marriage. They didn’t get along, didn’t enjoy the same interests, fought much more than laughed, and the sex was, well, non-existent.

Couples’ counseling didn’t work, separating didn’t work, screaming and fighting didn’t work. Dejected, he just doesn’t know what else do to, but can’t bear the thought of being “divorced”. Then again, he can’t bear the thought of being miserable, alone and unfulfilled for the rest of his life. So, how does one know when the end is THE END?

There is no magic formula for deciding when it is time to throw in the towel. A lot of people stay in bad marriages and unhappy partnerships because they feel something is better than nothing. These people are beaten down by life and time, forgetting what it is like to be free of all the stress and emotional weight they have been carrying around in their hearts for so long.

Letting go of a marriage or long-term relationship can be very difficult. People don’t want to be perceived as weak or as having failed at such a grand undertaking. They want others to look at them with pride not pity. Everything rests on the opinion of the outside world.

But, what’s worse, is that the judgement of oneself is usually much harsher than that of outside society. At the end of the day, your friends and family just want you to be happy, but we often times deny ourselves that own happiness we wish for others. We feel unworthy, unfit, undeserving of love, joy and peace in our lives. Staying in dysfunctional relationships only exacerbates that feeling of inadequacy, which leads to only more feelings of worthlessness.

So, how can you pull yourself out of this vicious cycle and finally put the past behind you? Learn to love yourself and let go of all the pain holding you back with these steps:

1. The first step to removing yourself from a toxic long-term relationship is to acknowledge that it is such. Admit to yourself that you aren’t happy. Admit to yourself that you would like to be happy.

2. You must accept the fact that you deserving of love. Only you have the power to change your own life, so allow yourself to seek out joy. Once you start believing that you are worthy of good things coming to you in your life, it will be easier to accept that negativity has no place in your world.

3. Communicate your needs to your partner. If you are unhappy, more than likely, so are they. Accept that you are both different people who want different things in life. No one is to “blame”. Put all of that garbage behind you. What’s done is done. It’s too late to go back. Once you have realized this, it will be much easier to do what needs to be done.

4. File for divorce, or if you are not married, start the process to end your relationship and any financial obligations you have with one another. If you need to get a lawyer, do so. Play nice and play fair with one another. Remember, don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t get caught up in petty drama. Sure, there will be disagreements along the way when dividing up finances and assets, but be honest with your partner and try to keep it as quick and painless as possible.

5. Move on. Don’t hold onto any of the anger, resentment or frustrations from your past marriage or relationship. All it will do is clog your next potential relationship with excess baggage that your future love has nothing to do with. Clean slate. Forgive yourself and forgive you ex. Begin anew. Think of it as a rebirth.