Two Day Magazine

We all get jealous...but do you know how to cope with it?

Dr. Ayala Pines is a psychologist who has spent her entire career doing research on jealousy, and she has written several books on the subject. While she is clearly a strong proponent of monogamy, her books are chock-full of fantastic information that is extremely valuable for people in open relationships, as well. She has studied every aspect of what makes people jealous, why certain triggers affect some people and not others, ways to manage and reduce jealousy, and her research is really useful for polyamorous people even though her books were written for monogamous, heterosexual married couples.

She identifies two kinds of jealousy, acute and chronic. She believes that acute jealousy is very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), in that it almost always manifests with the same core symptoms: intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal.

• “Intrusion” refers to being bombarded with intrusive thoughts and feelings about the painful situation (usually your partner being with another partner) that are difficult to stop, remembering and re-experiencing images of the traumatic events over and over, having flashbacks, ruminating on the problem, and becoming obsessed with painful thoughts about it.

• “Constriction” refers to feeling estranged from your life and the people around you, feeling alone and unloved, losing interest in your usual activities, and feeling no pleasure.

• “Hyperarousal” refers to the experience of hypervigilance, of being very anxious about your relationship and about whatever your partner is doing with someone else, feeling agitated and irritable, unable to relax, and often includes insomnia.

Acute jealousy is usually related to a specific situation, like your partner showing interest in getting involved with someone new, or an outside relationship becoming more serious than it was before. It usually comes on suddenly in response to a traumatic event or disclosure, and can be extremely intense, but often begins to subside in a relatively short time, from a few hours to a few days.

However, chronic jealousy is when someone feels jealous all or most of the time, regardless of whether there is a specific situation that is currently triggering the experience of jealousy. Dr. Pines’ research indicates that some people have a tendency to be much more jealous than others, either due to their own temperament and life experience or due to ongoing behaviors of their partner which create insecurity. Intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal are usually present in chronic jealousy, but are much less intense than in acute jealousy.

Dr. Pine’s theory is that your experience of jealousy grows out of your own life history both in childhood and in previous intimate relationships, combined with the history of your current relationship. As a result, each person has their own unique jealousy profile. She says that whatever brought two people together as a couple is the exact thing that will shape your jealousy experience.

To get to the core of your jealousy, think back to what attracted you to your partner in the first place. What is the most valuable thing you receive from this relationship that caused you to fall in love with your partner? That is likely to be the thing you are most afraid of losing, and the fear of that loss is usually the spark that ignites the jealousy attack.

• If great sex is the “glue” that most strongly connects you with your partner, you will be most likely to feel most jealous of the sexual aspect of your partner’s outside relationships.

• If companionship and emotional intimacy are the most precious parts of your relationship, you will feel most threatened by any indication that the outside relationship also provides friendship and emotional closeness for your partner.

• If intellectual rapport and lively discussions of politics or ideas are central to your relationship, an outside partner who is smart and interesting will feel most threatening.

• If shared activities are important in your relationship, an outside relationship that “invades” that activity will trigger intense jealousy (ie: you and your partner love to go backpacking and the new lover also loves backpacking).

According to Dr. Pines’ research, temperament and personality also play a big role in how jealous we are. She argues that the more confident and secure a person feels in their own life, their abilities, and their relationship, the less jealous they will be in any given situation where an insecure person would become much more jealous.

The people who are most vulnerable to jealousy are those who have low self-esteem and are very emotionally dependent on their love-relationship to give meaning to their lives and make them feel good about themselves.

Her advice: anything you can do to increase your self esteem, sense of personal security, resilience, and self-sufficiency will make you a less jealous person. However, even very strong, independent people with high self-esteem can become very jealous if their relationship is not secure or their partner does not provide them with adequate love and reassurance.

DR. AYALA PINES’ JEALOUSY MODEL: THE FIVE CARDINAL FEARS

Dr. Pines suggests that there are five cardinal fears triggered by jealousy and that for each person, one will be primary. She identifies them as:

1. Fear of abandonment (“He’s going to leave me for someone else.”)
2. Losing face and losing status in our community (“How could he humiliate me by telling our friends about sleeping with him?”)
3. Betrayal (“I just can’t believe he would hurt me like this!”)
4. Competitiveness and fear of our own inadequacy (“I wonder if her new lover is better in bed than me?”)
5. Envy towards our partner’s other partner (“If only I was as attractive/smart/successful/rich/etc. as he is!”)

It behooves each person to look carefully at all five and try to discern which one is most distressing to you, as this can help you understand and manage your jealousy.

If you discover that you are most shaken up by fears of abandonment, you will know it is time to work on your own sense of security and confidence, as well as ask your partner for reassurance and support to demonstrate their commitment to stay in the relationship.

If you find that you are most concerned with the “public relations” aspect of feeling somehow humiliated by other people knowing that your partner has another lover, you can either ask your partner to be more discrete and keep things private, or you can learn not to be as worried about what others may think of you and your partner.

If you find that competitiveness or envy of the outside partner is a primary jealousy trigger for you, it is important for you to boost your self-esteem through counseling, affirmations, or activities that make you feel good about yourself.

In essence, the best way to deal with feelings of jealousy within your relationship is to identify what your triggers are, and work towards managing those triggers through self-esteem building, open communication with your partner, and support from one another.

You can control your jealousy and manage that green eyed monster with these simple steps.

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Check out Kathy's new book: Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Guide to Open Relationships