Two Day Magazine

Is your relationship set up to fail?

What if there was a crystal ball that could forecast the longevity of your relationship? Well University of Washington psychologist Dr. John Gottman can predict with 94% accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

How?

After studying more than 2,000 married couples over two decades, Dr. Gottman has identified specific communication patterns that are toxic to relationships. These tend to be a sequence with each stage paving the way for the next.
                                
The four communication styles that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination, are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Criticism: 

Attacking (versus critiquing) your partner’s personality or character with the underlying theme that you are right and they are wrong.  Criticism can be seen in generalizations such as “you always…”  or “you never…”

Contempt: 

Attacking your partner’s sense of self, who they are at their core. The use of sarcasm, name calling, hostility or body language such as eye rolling are all examples of contempt and leave your partner feeling worthless and hated.  

Defensiveness:

Viewing yourself as the victim of your partner’s attacks and not listening to the feedback being provided. This is characterized by making excuses (“yeah, but…”or “it’s not my fault”), counter complaints (“but you do X…”) and repeating yourself without listening to your partner, who then feels even more frustrated because it seems as though you are ignoring their sentiments.

Stonewalling:

Avoiding conflict by withdrawing from the relationship. While it may be viewed by your partner as you trying to be neutral, stonewalling entails being “cold as ice”, keeping busy (like working excessive hours), monosyllabic responses and silence.

So, what do you do if you see your relationship in one of these four groups? 

No, it does not mean you should call a divorce attorney.

Instead, use it as a wakeup call to address your communication styles as a couple.  

Focus on really listening to each other, assuming the best intentions by your partner and viewing yourselves as a team rather than rivalries.

You can compromise, you can work through your difficulties by actively listening to one another, and you do not have to attack one another to get your point across.

As Kevin Bacon famously once said about his secret to his long-lasting marriage, "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty."

Communicate more effectively with your partner and you will be an even happier you!

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For more on happiness, check out twodaymag's happiness expert and author, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo's book: A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness

Follow Elizabeth on twitter: @DrELombardo

Dr. Lombardo has been quoted by CNN, Newsweek, MSNBC, Redbook, Self, Woman’s Day, Glamour, & Cosmopolitan

See why Shaquille O’Neal says “Dr. Lombardo is my head coach for happiness”