Two Day Magazine

...It Only Hurts You Both

The Definition According to Wikipedia:
Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

I was fortunate enough to be a guest again today on the Sirius Doctor Radio show: "The Sexual Health Hour with Dr. Miriam Greene" and we had a wonderful conversation with many of the callers about the importance of maintaining open and honest communication with your lover. One caller stood out to me amongst the rest. We will call her Sarah.

Sarah is married, has a child, plays the role of dutiful wife and mother, but finds herself to be increasingly frustrated and unfulfilled in her sexual relationship with her husband. They don’t seem to have a connection like they once did. They married young, had a child young, all of the relationship ‘burden’ fell on her shoulders, and she is increasingly unhappy. Sarah feels as though she had to grow up and he didn’t. He drinks more than he is willing to admit, and they only seem to have sex when he is in the mood. Her frustrations have made her withhold sex from him and in turn, deny herself pleasure.

This situation really made me begin to think more deeply on the topic of passive aggressive behavior and why we just can’t bring ourselves to communicate our true needs with one another.

As the fabulous Dr. Greene said, “Put down your weapons!”

I couldn’t agree more. Instead of denying yourself real communication and using sexual energy as a form of punishment, it would make a lot more sense to acknowledge that you are:

1. Unhappy in your current living situation.
2. Unfulfilled in your current sexual relationship.
3. Not going to live in this emotional space, anymore.

Relationships are a lot of hard work. They take time, effort and patience. This is assuming that you already have the foundation of mutual love, respect and understanding. Unfortunately, it sounds as though Sarah’s relationship is in need of all of these traits.

Not wanting to communicate her needs, she instead bottles them inside, unable to express what she really feels. Instead of working on herself or on the marriage, she falls into the abyss, using sex as a means of punishment and revenge, thus only driving a wedge between her and her husband even further.

Now, I am not implying that he doesn’t have his blame in the breakdown of the marriage. On the contrary, his childish and lazy behavior has only added fuel to this brewing fire, and his unwillingness to acknowledge that his drinking is becoming habitual and problematic only increases the divide between them.

But, with all things, the only way to start to change a situation is to change yourself. Holding back what is really in your heart and on your mind is only going to exacerbate and prolong the anxiety and frustration that you are feeling. Only when we are honest and open about our needs and desires can we move into a more positive space.

Sarah can’t change the fact that he drinks, she can’t change the fact that he isn’t open to nurturing their relationship, but she can change how she responds. The first step would be to get in touch with her own needs and goals. Where does she see this relationship heading? Where does she see her own personal future? Seeking out a counselor to help walk through these steps is very important. She may not even realize how much resentment and anger she has been harboring.

Once there is that “epiphany”,  it will be much easier for her to discuss her feelings with her husband, from his drinking, to their lack of sexual connection. Many women need to feel special and important in order to get that loving feeling back. He has put her and their relationship on a back burner and doesn’t see how negatively their relationship is being impacted because she hides her true self from him. Once everything is out in the open, the monster in the light isn’t nearly as terrifying as the one in the dark. Only when you “put your weapons down” and begin to truly communicate what is hurting you inside, can you finally begin to heal and begin anew.