Two Day Magazine

When Breaking Up Makes You “Feel Bad”

Picture this. You have been in a relationship for over six months. The “sex glow” is starting to wear off and you are beginning to notice that your partner’s quirks aren’t exactly as cute as you first remember them to be. The way they complain about work everyday, the way they take a shower at your place and leave wet towels everywhere, the way they never apologize when they are wrong. The little stuff you were ignoring a few months ago is starting to accumulate in your mind and you don’t like it. You may be realizing that this relationship is doomed, but the person you are with hasn’t really done anything to you, so you feel bad just ending it. And, so, you find yourself in a situation where you may want to break it off, but for some reason, you feel obligated to stay.

Sound crazy? You may think so, but when I talked to people on this topic, I was surprised to find how many (mostly women) felt “guilty” or “bad” about dumping their partner because they just weren’t feeling it, anymore. As if not being happy wasn’t a good enough excuse to break up. Here were some common reasons they stayed:

• Waste of Time.  “I feel bad breaking up because we worked so hard at keeping this relationship a float. It feels as though if I break up now, we have both wasted a lot of time and energy.”

Kick that feeling OUT: No relationship is ever a waste of time. Sometimes, a relationship can teach you major lessons about yourself and being in an intimate situation. We all make choices, and the best we can do is to learn from what we take away from each situation. Perhaps this relationship taught you what you don’t want out of a partner, or perhaps it taught you about self love. Whatever the lesson, there is one to be found, so get out of negative town and move forward with your life. Solo.

• Feelings of Guilt. “I pursued them. How can I back out now?”

Feeling guilty gets you NOWHERE: You made a choice at one point to date this person, and you always have the option to leave. Feeling guilty about wanting out is only going to fester in you and turn into resentment and frustration. You will begin lashing out at your partner for no reason and withholding affection or love because you know in your heart that you want out of this relationship. Be mature. Let your partner know that while you care about them, you no longer have the feelings that you did when you first started dating. Trust me, this will hurt them, but it will hurt them worse if you lead them on.

• Afraid to Hurt Feelings. “I really want to end things, but they will be so sad! I don’t want anyone to get hurt. It makes me feel awful.”

Stop FAKING it. Yes, breaking up with someone is hard to do because feelings do inevitably get hurt. But, you can’t stay in a relationship because you are afraid to hurt someone. You are hurting them much worse by faking your feelings for them and leading them to believe that you are happy when you aren’t. Deception is never sexy, so own your feelings and express them. Yes, it will hurt now. But, time heals and you are both going to be saved a horrific break-up in the future.

• Irrational Fear. Perhaps you have built up this break up to be this big disaster in your mind and now you are afraid of confronting the reality. “I was so scared to be honest. I didn’t know how they’d react.”

End the MADNESS. The monster in the dark is always much more frightening than the one in the light. You may be afraid of your partner’s reaction, but the truth is, debating what will happen in your mind is usually more dramatic and intense than in reality. Be calm, be rational, and be honest with your partner. Most people become sad when their lover leaves them, but they don’t become homicidal. (Unless you are watching “Dateline”. In which case, stop.)

Remember, for a relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by hiding your true feelings and lying to your partner about your unhappiness. Feeling “obligated” to stay in a relationship is not only unhealthy for you both, but it also makes you look weak and unable to stand up for your own needs. There is no such thing as a pleasant break up, but holding your partner hostage because you are afraid to be honest is no way to live.