Does virginity still matter?
At an elegant engagement party, people were relaxing on the deck, sitting around a lighted chiminea. There was an open bar and the pleasant evening was drawing to a late close. As often happens when we are laid back replete with good food and drink, talk sometimes turns to personal subjects.
There was a man, I'll call him Denis, probably in his early 30's, sitting and discussing the events of the evening, the engagement, the happy couple, the display of the gifts. Someone casually asked him when he was going to find someone and settle down. We all turned to hear what he had to say. Denis is a nice guy and it would be great to know he had found someone. But the answer he gave was surprising:
"Oh, well, when I find a virgin, I guess."
It got quiet all of a sudden. Then one of his male friends said that he thought that Denis was being totally unfair to women in general. Wasn't he, himself, sexually active?
"Sure, I am but I don't want to marry a woman who has slept around. That bothers me. My wife should be pure."
On that antiquated statement, several women told him he was a jerk and other unprintable words, and one woman, Jan, said she didn't see what difference it made if both a man and a woman had had sex partners before getting married. We're not living in medieval times when a woman was required to guard her chastity until getting into the marriage bed, she said. The sexes aren't that unequal in the 21st century for God's sake! Wake up! It makes no difference who has had a past sex life. All the women agreed.
The men on the other said very little. Oh, some of them supported what Jan had said, the prospective bridegroom included. But the others only half-heartedly agreed. When pushed by Jan to state their opinions, over half of the men there said they had very mixed feelings about marrying a woman who had been as sexually active as they had. They were extremely reluctant to settle down with women whose sexual history was just as colorful, or more so, as their own.
And therein lies the problem.
The problem being that there are some men who want it both ways. They want to have sex with the women they're dating but don't necessarily want to marry someone who, (ancient term here), "put out". They want a "nice" girl to settle down with.
It is still a societal double standard and, unfortunately, a built-in territorial male instinct, to want a virgin bride. This type of male wants to be the one who stakes the claim and marks his territory. He also gets to play Pygmalion to his "ivory virgin" and become her sexual teacher. The enticing bit for him is that she is uncharted and untouched, pure as white cashmere.
With all the changes that have been made in the last 100 years, women's rights, education, and positions of power included, why is the subject of a woman's virginity still such a priority to some men? If they can see us as equals in all other facets of life, what's the big deal about virginity? Aside from religious groups who value the state of female virginity above all else and whose tenets demand that a woman remain chaste until the wedding night, the subject of sex partners, for both males and females, should be a personal and private affair.
There are certain considerations. Certainly a couple should have a serious discussion about any possibility of STDs from a former partner, and God knows, no one likes to think of the one you're about to have a sexual relationship with having done the same things with another person, but that's it. The past should always remain the past, sexually and otherwise.
The idea of marrying someone who is a virgin simply because she is a virgin does not make a hell of a lot of sense today. Sex is a major part of the relationship equation, of course, but it is only one part. It combines with other components. Finding someone with whom you share common interests and goals, as well as a compatible sex life, should be primary and far outweigh anyone's sexual past.
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© 2011 Copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is a Lifestyle writer and the author of the book ranked in the top-selling 100 books of 2011, And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First
Her new book, © 2011 No Woman Diets Alone is due December, 2011.
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I think your Virgin Territory theory is sound as to why some men may want to marry a virgin, but I believe there is a baser, more uncomfortable reason driving these some other men’s attitudes.
If a woman was sexually active, that means two things: 1) that she knows the difference between good and bad sex and can thus judge subsequent men on their abilities and 2) these women have a certain power about them gained from throwing off the nervousness, insecurity and awkwardness of virginity.
Simply put, these guys have performance anxiety. They would lose that “leg up” that they have with a sexually inexperienced woman. They risk being found inadequate. And if there is one thing almost every man can’t stand, its being shamed by a woman.