Two Day Magazine

He wants me...he wants me not....

According to a new study conducted by Erin R. Whitchurch and Timothy D. Wilson of the University of Virginia and Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard, women seem to find men more attractive when the man seems uninterested in them. Hold your gasping for the end.

This uncertainty--not necessarily the thrill of the chase--may rank amongst the greatest aphrodisiacs, claims their paper entitled, “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction.”

Just ask Francesca. Francesca is a 30-something, intelligent, successful art history professor and archaeologist at Rhodes College in Memphis, Tennessee. You would think when it comes to men she would have her head on straight. Think again.

“I obsess. I use the quantity of contact with my partner as an index of my self-esteem for the day. It is rather creepy, now that I think about it, but I’ll look to see where someone checked in on  [the social network site] Foursquare to find a justification for their silence.”

Wowsa. I, too, can relate to Francesca. Well, I could when I was 16. Those were the days when I based my happiness on whether or not my boyfriend of-the-moment was as “into me” as I was in to them. After one particularly heartbreaking break up (I was the dumpee in this unfortunate case), I longed for any attention from my ex. When he didn’t pay me any attention, it only made me want him all the more. Then, at one point, when we did reunite, I found myself suddenly uninterested, as though the attraction to him all along really wasn’t with him, it was with a projected image of him that I had imagined in my mind. The reality and the fantasy were totally separate concepts that could not overlap. But, then again, I was only 16.

So, why is this happening to grown up women?

“Uncertainty affects our thoughts in general,” Whitchurch explains. “If you can get a person to think about you, you can make that person think they’re attracted to you. Uncertainty is one way to get them to think about you.”

The study was conducted on female undergraduates, but Whitchurch believes that the findings would hold true for men, too. The female subjects were told that the experiment was testing whether Facebook could be used as a dating site.

The first group of women were told that four phony male profiles belonged to men that liked them the most. The second group was told they were liked an average amount. A third group was vaguely told that they were liked either the most or an average amount by the men.

The results? While women did tend to like the men who found them most attractive, the women also stated that the most attractive men, however, were the ones who were ambiguous about how much they liked the women.

Translation: Yes, the women liked the men who liked them, but they found the men who may or may not like them the most attractive.

Aw, yes, the ego. We want everyone to like us. We want everyone to find us irresistible. We always want what we can’t have and the men that don’t like us are suddenly more desirable.

Even Whitchurch, 31, admits to feeling this way.

“I hate it. Obviously, I know the research. But, it’s still one of those things. And, it’s annoying.”

And, Whitfield smartly points out, technology is making our obsession worse. With so much of our social interactions now occurring via text message or on social networking sites, we are used to instant gratification. When we don’t hear back immediately from the person we are interested in, the panic sets in instantaneously.

“Not only that,” continues Whitfield, “but we’ve increased the way we communicate now, too, so whereas before there was the good old letter and land-line phone, now we have cell phones that are with people 24/7, emails, texts, FB messages.”

Yet, while playing hard to get may work for a while, after too much time passes, the woman may just get fed up and walk away from the relationship. After all, absence does make the heart grow fonder, but too much absence and one must start to question what exactly you waiting around for.

I want a man who wants me. I don’t have time for anything else. Ladies, stop selling yourselves short and be willing to receive what you give. If you give time, affection and attention and don’t get much in return...it is time to reevaluate why you have given away so much of your power...and for what in return.