Two Day Magazine

Just Because You Start with a ‘Bang’ Doesn’t Mean the Relationship is Doomed...

Everyone assumes that if you sleep with someone on the first or second date, that your relationship will be based purely on sex and will soon fizzle out. How many mothers have warned their daughters over the years, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?” But, the University of Iowa has debunked this relationship myth. You can build a long lasting relationship, even if you started out just hooking up.

UI sociologist, Anthony Paik, discovered that the average relationship quality was higher for individuals who waited until things were serious enough to have sex in comparison to those who became involved by “hooking up” or having a casual relationship.

You are probably thinking that this contradicts the study’s findings, but having sex early wasn’t the culprit. Paik found that people who were open to being in a serious relationship, regardless of whether they waited to have sex or whether they had sex right away, found no difference in relationship quality.

“We didn’t see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hookups. The study suggests that rewarding relationships are possible for those who delay sex. But, it’s also possible for true love to emerge if things start off with a more Sex and the City approach, when people spot each other across the room, become sexually involved and then build a relationship.”

The study, published in the August edition of Social Science Research, analyzed 642 heterosexual adults in the Chicago area. They rated ‘relationship quality’ by asking about how much the person loved their partner, where the saw the relationship in the future, the level of satisfaction with intimacy, and how their lives would change if the relationship ended. The questionnaire also inquired as to when the participants became sexually active with one another.

Those who had higher numbers of sexual partners were more likely to form casual relationships and report lower quality relationships. Paik believes that because of the quantity of partners, they begin favoring shorter relationships and find the long-term romances less rewarding. They may not want to invest the energy and time needed to nurture a healthy and long lasting relationship.

“While hookups or friends with benefits can turn into true love, both parties typically enter the relationship for sex and the expectations are fairly low. In the casual dating category, some people think they’re headed for a long-term relationship, but there are also people who are only in it for sex. It basically brings ‘players’ and ‘non-players’ together. Consequently, it raises the question of whether casual dating is a useful institution. This paper would suggest not really, because it doesn’t screen out the non-romantic types.” Palik believes.

So, what is the culprit behind the lower scores for relationships that started off casually? Paik looks to natural selection for the answer. His theory suggests that some people are prone to finding relationships unrewarding, and those people are more likely to have casual, short-lived romances.

“The question is whether it’s the type of relationship that causes lower quality or whether it’s the people. The finding is that it’s something about the people.” Paik states.

Hence, if you are looking for love, it is still in your best interest to find someone that is on the same page as you. However, if you are open to love and begin a casual romance with someone who is also open to love, your chances for creating a lasting bond can increase. But, if you are casually dating someone with no interest in a long-term romance, don’t be surprised when they move on to the next one.

Paik makes some good observations throughout his study, and while finding true love through hooking up may not be the safest or smartest way to go about it, it’s nice to know that depending on the person you are with, there can be meaningful relationships that emerge even from casual sex. Timing, honest communication and open hearts seem to be the key to turning that one night stand into your one true love. Well, at least in theory.