Two Day Magazine

Stop Punishing Your New Lover...

“I can’t help myself. Whenever I see my new boyfriend around other women, I think he is going to cheat on me. Just like my ex did. We always end up in a big fight.”

“Whenever my girlfriend wants to know what my plans are, I assume she is trying to smother me like in my last relationship. We end up arguing and then I storm out.”

Do either of these scenarios sound a little too familiar? We all have a past (some more sordid than others) but some of us seem to drag our past into our present. Why is it we assume our new partner will turn into our ex? By conjuring up the ghosts of relationships past, we are unintentionally wreaking havoc on our new partners and any potential for a healthy, long lasting union quickly disappears.

If your ex did cheat on you, for example, instead of assuming that every new person you date will hand you the same fate, look to understand exactly what caused the infidelity. Was there a lack of communication between you and your ex? Were you both on separate pages or unable to see eye to eye on fundamental issues? Perhaps you took one another for granted. Relationships require effort, honesty and time. If any of those components are missing for a prolonged period of time, one or both partners may stray.

So, instead of assuming that since your ex cheated it’s only a matter of time before your new love breaks your heart, learn from your past instead of punishing your new partner. Talk to your partner when you feel insecurities bubbling to the surface. “Check in” with one another and see how you are both faring in the romance. Spend quality time together. A nurtured relationship is a healthy one, so take the moments you have and be good to one another. This may help break the ex’s spell.

Or, perhaps in your last relationship you were being smothered by your partner. They didn’t trust you, they needed to know where you were at every moment and they didn’t appreciate or value the time that you needed to spend alone or with friends.

People that have been in relationships where they felt suffocated often shy away from being intimate in future relationships out of fear of being sucked into a situation where they lose their independence. In the next partnership, they sometimes end things quickly when they feel that their partner is getting too close, falling in love too quickly, or wanting to take a big step, like moving in together.

Let’s face it. Running away from love because of sins of the ex is only going to lead someone down a lonely and unfulfilled path in life. They will never experience true intimacy with another person because of the intense fear they harbor. Letting go of this fear can seem incredibly intimidating and overwhelming. But, there is a way to move past these paralyzing emotions and get on with your life.

First, you must acknowledge that your new lover is NOT your ex. By recognizing that these issues you have are your own and not your lover’s, it shifts the responsibility for those feeling on to yourself. Thereby, you will have to deal with these emotions on your own terms in order to move past them.

Once you have shifted responsibility, it is time to accept what happened in your past has only made you stronger. Remember, the one that hurt you is out of your life now. Trust yourself to make the right decision about your future. You were able to let go of the physical person that was holding you down, so now it is time to let go of the emotional baggage holding you back.

Finally, let it go. No, really. Take a deep breath and admit to yourself that those times are over. Today is a new beginning. You have the chance to create the life for yourself that you always wanted. You have the ability to create your own happiness, to have a healthy relationship, to experience love in new and fantastic ways. So, go ahead. Free yourself of the sins of your ex, stop punishing your new lover, and be proud of yourself for stepping out of your history and into the light of new and wonderful possibilities.