Two Day Magazine

It Only Leads to Trouble...

Yesterday I was having a conversation with my friend who was telling me that she likes to “check up” on her husband. He is in sales and travels a lot for work. She likes to keep tabs on him, so to speak. For his birthday, she bought him an iPhone, but little did he know, this seemingly thoughtful gift was really just a spying device. She is able to track where he is at, what he is texting, who he is texting and can even record photos and videos taken with the phone, since she installed an app onto the phone before she gave it to him. Sound like something out of a James Bond movie? No, apparently it’s just modern romance.

My question for her was, “Why on earth are you with your husband if you don’t trust him? Has he given you any reason to doubt that he loves you?”

She just shrugged and said, “I haven’t ever caught him doing anything wrong, but it makes me feel better knowing where he is at and who he is talking with. A lot of my friends do this, and I think it has helped their marriages.”

“So, you believe that by spying on your partner to catch him (or her) doing something that they aren’t doing is healthy for your marriage?”

She just gave me a look, so I shut up.

But, it did get me to wondering about what we are willing to do to secure a partner and to keep a partner. Instead of being honest with one another and having respect for each other and each other’s personal space, we have instead decided to spy, sneak around, and lie to our partner, in place of being truthful about our insecurities and fears.

The time that she spends online tracking his every move, documenting what he says and to whom, and examining every photo that ends up on his cell phone must be exhausting. She must stay up at night, worrying herself sick about where he could be, what he could be doing. (Or, in her mind, who he could be doing.) All of that wasted energy being misdirected to try to catch him in an act that he hasn’t committed. It’s as though she wishes he would give her a reason to be spying on him, to validate her anxiety.

The real issue comes down to intimacy. Clearly, my friend is afraid to be vulnerable and be open with her husband. Even though they are married, are they truly partners? A partner is someone you can count on, someone you share your dreams and fears with, someone who respects and supports you. Whatever their relationship may be, it certainly isn’t a partnership if she feels the need to “check up” on him, as though he were a naughty teenager. By changing her role from lover to jail warden, it is only a matter of time before that energy starts to interrupt and disturb their relationship.

We may all feel from time to time nervous or jittery when we see our partner texting on their cell phone without a need to fill us in on who they are talking to or what they are saying. We may all want to succumb to sneaking a peak at our lover’s email out of nervousness or fear. With so many ways to communicate, it makes it that much easier to cheat, right? Isn’t there a valid reason to be concerned?

But, spying on your lover is never suitable substitute for a respectful and honest relationship. Cheating does happen. But, you don’t need to have a smartphone or email account to do so. If someone is interested in cheating, they will find a way to do it. Instead of focusing on these negative thoughts and acts that could happen, why not draw your attention to increasing the flow of communication between you and your partner. Work towards establishing romantic nights out and expressing yourself in positive, loving ways to feed and nurture the romance.

Changing your energy from a spy to a partner may seem like a daunting task, but once you have released yourself from the addiction, you may be surprised to find out how wonderful an honest love can be.