Two Day Magazine

Learning to have healthy relationships...

Last week, we discussed what it means to be in an open relationship, and how that differs from being a polyamorist versus being a sex addict. The difference between polyamorists and sex addicts is approximately equal to the difference between social drinkers and alcoholics.  

Social drinkers can enjoy a few drinks to socialize with friends or relax at home after work, and they make responsible choices about when, where, what, and how much to drink.  Polyamorous people enjoy sex and relationships, and we usually exercise good judgement about whom to get involved with and under what conditions, what kind of relationships to have, and how many sexual relationships we can handle at one time.  Alcoholics cannot control their drinking, and allow their drinking to ruin their lives.  Sex addicts cannot control their sexual behavior, and have sex with all the wrong people without any regard for the consequences.

The main differences between polyamory and sex or relationship addiction are the addicts’ lack of control over their behavior and their inability to make rational choices about sex and relationships.  

Here are a few examples:

• Alan is a heterosexual man who identifies as poly. He has been married and divorced twice, both times to poly women.  In his first marriage, he made unwelcome sexual advances to every one of his wife’s female friends.  His first wife left him because he spent half his paycheck every month on phone sex lines. During his second marriage, he again tried to seduce his wife’s friends, even after agreeing to her request that he only have sex with women outside of their immediate social circle.  His second wife left after he was fired from his job for taking three-hour lunches to go to strip clubs.

• George is a straight man in a poly marriage with his wife, he also has an outside lover he sees a few times a week.  Despite having sex every day with his wife and/or his lover, he feels compelled to cruise the internet seeking additional sex partners. He met two young women, and manipulated them into sex by falsely implying that he could get them modeling jobs. He pressured them into sex, anyway, ending up in jail for having sex with minors.

• Lisa is a bisexual poly woman in a primary relationship with a man.  She likes to go dancing at clubs and pick up both male and female partners, and she often goes to sex parties to meet sex partners.  She has such a strong compulsion to have sex that she often makes poor partner choices and goes home with questionable and even dangerous men. She drinks alcohol and often makes decisions while under the influence.  She has accidentally gotten pregnant twice and has undergone two abortions and has had gonorrhea. She continues to engage in risky behaviors rather than creating safer conditions to enjoy her sexual freedom.

• Dina is a lesbian who is a love and relationship addict.  She had a relationship for several years with a woman who was very controlling, was jealous of her friends, and cut her off from her own family. They had an open relationship, and her partner had other girlfriends from time to time, but whenever Dina was interested in dating others, her partner found reasons to veto them.  She felt she couldn’t leave because she felt her only value as a person was in being in a relationship, and felt terrified of being alone.

• John is a bisexual man in a committed primary relationship with a man, and he is a love and relationship addict. He has had a long series of outside relationships with other men, and each one follows the same pattern:  He meets someone new and immediately jumps into an intense romantic relationship for a few months.  Then, as the infatuation starts to wear off, he loses interest and breaks up with the new lover.  Soon he starts looking around for someone else, because he is addicted to the fantasy and romance of “New Relationship Energy.”

• Jason is a heterosexual college professor who is a love addict. His wife left him because he consistently picked inappropriate partners with which he would have brief, intense affairs with students who were 30 years younger than him. He needed constant validation that women found him desirable, and was addicted to relationships where he could feel powerful and be worshipped.  As soon as each woman began to assert her own needs, he ended the relationship and moved on to his next victim.  

• Lorraine is a heterosexual poly woman who is a sex addict.  She lives alone but has three male lovers and sees each one approximately two nights a week.  Despite having sex nearly every day with one of her partners, she is not sexually satisfied and masturbates very frequently to internet porn.

• Huey is a sex addict who had a poly relationship with his wife. They enjoyed “swing parties,” but he became sullen and withdrawn if he didn’t “score” sexually at every party.  He frequently pressured his wife into having sex with men she did not feel comfortable with, just so he would be allowed to sleep with their wives.  He became coercive and threatening if she didn’t consent.  

I have worked with many sex, love, and relationship addicts who have been able to develop healthier beliefs and behaviors.  If they are unhappy with the problems their addictions are causing in their lives, and willing to seek help, they can dramatically improve their relationship patterns.

Individual counseling or hypnotherapy can help people understand how they developed these beliefs and attitudes in the first place, and how they can meet their sexual and relationship needs in a healthier way.  Couples counseling can help rebuild trust between partners and undoing whatever damage the addiction has done in their relationships.  Joining a polyamory support group or discussion group or going on-line to talk to other poly people can help people differentiate between addictive and healthy behaviors and provide positive role models of healthy open relationships.

A 12-step recovery group called, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), based on the Alcoholics Anonymous model, provide free, confidential meetings in most cities. Many sex and love addicts find these groups helpful in learning new skills and attitudes about sex and relationships. Some people have found that many people in 12-step groups are hostile to open relationships.  People often have to try a few different kinds of groups before finding one that meets their needs.  In addition, there have been a number of excellent books written on sex addiction in recent years, which can be an important resource for people trying to understand and change their addictive patterns.

Adapted and excerpted with permission of Greenery Press, from Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships, by Kathy Labriola.

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