Two Day Magazine

What Goes Around, Comes Around...

The relationship gods are out to get me. I say this not in a self-pity way. No, I deserve it. I really deserve it. Let’s just say I haven’t necessarily played fair in the past. I have led a lot of guys on because it was fun for me. I enjoyed being chased and feeling like I had all the power to leave my momentary lover without explaining why. I would stop returning calls or texts. Emails would be promptly deleted.

I would think to myself, “Hey, guys do the same thing!”

However, I failed to recognize that guys do have feelings, as well.

Lately, though, I have been wondering why on earth, now that I want a relationship, is it becoming more increasingly difficult? I thought that all men are just stupid and obviously don’t see what they’re missing. But, that high-esteemed view of myself vanished when my friend mentioned that I can be a bitch to guys I date.

“Excuse me?” I asked her like she had said the craziest thing known to mankind.

“Yes, Anya. You treat men poorly. It’s like you’re taking revenge on the nice guys because in the past you were hurt by men. It’s like a power issue or something.”

I looked at her and defensively said, “So? If men can do it, why can’t I?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re better than that? Don’t you think it’s odd that you write about relationships and expecting equality, but yet you treat guys like crap just because you can?”

I tried pretending I didn’t hear any of what she said. Why? Because she was right. I was notorious for being a “player”; dating several guys at once, making it appear as if I was just into the one I happened to be at dinner with. I was known for jumping out of bed as soon as I had sex with someone and never returning their calls. I was a taker.

As soon as someone said they wanted something more with me, I would respond with, “Oh, I thought this was casual,” even though I had previously stated I was looking for something more serious.

And so began the freak out moment. You know, the kind where you realize you aren’t who you think you are? I wasn’t nice. No, in fact, my friend was spot on. I had this notion in my head that I could right my past with men who treated me badly if I could regain some of that “power” lost in those relationships.

I had to realize my past was never going to change. By preying on these nice guys who had nothing to do with the jerks from my past, I was only propelling the pain I still had from those bad relationships. My hurt was no excuse for not being honest with the guys I dated. It wasn’t a legitimate reason; it was just a mask I hid behind because it was easier for me to say, “Hurting people hurt others.”

Well, maybe I should stop dating if I’m so fucking hurt, right?

I was playing the role of a victim. I had a “poor me” mentality. The way I dealt with it was making others feel the same pain I did.

All of my current relationship problems started to make sense. Trust me, karma is real it was out to get me. It wouldn’t let me start pursuing a healthy relationship with someone until I recognized how much of an asshole I had been.

Until I said to myself, “Okay, so what if some men in my life haven’t been great to me? It doesn’t give me passage to take my revenge out on the ones who do care about me,” I wasn’t going to get anywhere.

So, to all those who I’ve hurt, I truly am sorry. You didn’t deserve it.

I’m hoping karma will now let me have a healthy dating life back.