Two Day Magazine

The Few. The Proud. The Non-Monogamous.

Non-Monogamy. It’s not for everyone. Are you game for sharing a lover? Can you bear the thought of your man or woman spreading their seeds of love and intimacy with a stranger—or with someone floating in your own circles?

For some, according to my non-monogamous friend Mitchell living in Bali, it is a bash to the ego of those whose lovers are rationing out their smooches to some stranger. Those who can detach themselves from the ego, on the other hand, instead of submitting to it, can rock the boat of non-monogamy. He happens to rock that boat. He tends to feel that love is abundant and that “with each person I receive a different sort of love and reflection about who I am. It’s all about the navigation.”

Ahmed, my devout Muslim friend in Cairo, strongly disagrees with the issue of non-monogamy. Ahmed is a recent convert to the realm of humans that accept homosexuality, partly because of his friendship with me and his American (ex-Christian) girlfriend.

“No way, dude,” he proclaimed. “If you love someone, and they are your partner, then the idea of ‘sharing’ that love with an outsider just does not exist. Anyone that does partake is just greedy.”

My mother, Goddess bless her, who raised four boys on her own for most of our lives, and who recently remarried, agrees with Ahmed. “Call me old-fashioned, but there’s no way jealousy can be quelled in a relationship like this.” As much as you try to subdue the ‘J-word,’ it is always lingering there in the back of your mind. “I wouldn’t want to have to think about where or on whom my boyfriend’s lips have recent been.”

Shannon, however, a 30 year old dula, a mother of two, and in a completely monogamous marriage, thinks non-monogamy is a great idea for those who are interested in it. She blames cultural constraints for making it so hard to accomplish.

“I have not witnessed like-minded, trustworthy individuals to keep a family intact in a non-monogamous relationship,” Shannon said. “But ideally,” she continued,” if the two people are enlightened enough to begin with, and have this strong yet open union, non-monogamy can work. Respect of the community is a necessity, though.”

Personally, I agree with my mother and I agree with Mitchell. I was in an open relationship in San Francisco with my ex, Spider. But we both agreed to keep our affairs secret so as not to arouse the ‘J-word’ from its slumber. I preferred not hearing whose bed he was rolling in and abided by the out-of-sight, out-of-mind cliché. Spider is a cool dude. He is driven like me, he rides his bike against oil wars like me, and he is passionate like me. But after only a couple months, I couldn’t handle the J-monster knocking at my back door. Spider couldn’t be pinned down to just one person, and I, like my mom, didn’t want to think about which base my boyfriend’s lips had just slid into.

Mitchell believes that open and honest communication is crucial. “Without it,” he says, “there is hiding, manipulation, deception and mistrust, which are all detrimental to a healthy relationship.” He admits that he sometimes feels uncomfortable hearing about his lover’s love affairs and also about sharing his own. Assessing each situation and deciding which ones you truly want to pursue and which ones might not serve you and your relationship, is a good avenue to go down.

Then again, when Mitchell’s lover came onto me once, I witnessed the wrath of Mitchell’s ‘J-word’ as it escaped onto the avenue of assessment. It took weeks for that beast to be tamed.

Advice from the non-monogamous: don't get yourself involved with too many lovers or you are just asking for your whole life to be about negotiating those realities: it is just too much work.

Mitchell suggests reading, The Ethical Slut: a Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, credited with raising awareness of the possibility of consensual non-monogamy as a lifestyle. He is a big fan of the book. Another reader, however, said “I've seen The Ethical Slut break up more relationships than I can count, anymore.” I say, judge for yourselves.

Advice from the monogamous: Don’t feed the J-monster with greed: Love the one you’re with, keep it linear, not triangular or multi-angular.