Two Day Magazine

...10 Things to Keep to Yourself

My advice to all the ladies and gents out there who love to love women. Read. Learn. The following is quite useful to you if you are trying to get in our pants...You’re welcome!

1. Have You Put on Weight Recently?

    
Now, I know most of you intelligent ones out there are cringing at the thought of someone actually saying this to a woman, but it happens! You never, EVER, under any circumstance ask a woman if she has gained weight. EVER. Your job as a prospective lover is to make a woman feel like having sex. So, calling her fat (and yes, that is how she would obviously interpret this) is going to kill the mood and any chance you ever had of using the jaws of life to pry her legs apart after that sentiment.

2. Just relax already!

    
When she is in the midst of a fight with you, the last thing she wants is someone to tell her to relax. She doesn’t want to relax. That’s why she is fighting with you. Also, that statement makes it seem as if what she is expressing is trivial and illogical. And, even if it might be, you don’t point it out. You sit there, let her communicate her emotions, and then you reply. When she is done practicing the first amendment, then she will relax. On her own. With you gone. Trust me. It’s better this way.

3. May I kiss you?

    
No. You may not. You know why? Because she date adults, not children. Whenever someone asks for a kiss at the end of a date, it shows a lack of will, a feeling of insecurity, a fear of risk. It’s a kiss. The sweetest, loveliest thing in the world. If you had a nice date, if you enjoyed the lady’s company, then take a risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! If you never see her again, at least you tried. At least you know you went in to seal the deal. Nothing turns a woman off more than timidity. Women respond to strength and courage!

4. I really don’t like (insert the name of her close friend here.)

    
Never, I repeat, never insult her friends. They are her friends for a reason. Because she like them. They have been there long before you showed up, and at the rate you are going, they will be there long after you exit stage left. If you are dating a woman who has an annoying friend, one with those voices that is like nails on a chalkboard, just let it go. If her friend is a complainer, just meditate when she is talking about her problems. Seriously, it will not end well if you bring up all the things you don’t like about her friends. Avoiding them is best. Tell her instead you want her to have “friend” time, and while she is with them, you can hangout with your friends. Then, everyone wins.

5. It doesn’t matter, I don’t care, whatever you want to do is fine.

Now, while the ending part of this statement sounds promising, the first two parts kill it. She asked you a question for a reason. She would appreciate an answer. A real answer. One where you thought about said question and then made an appropriate response. If you tell her that you don’t care, she will equate that with your lack of interest and then she will feel insecure. Insecurity does not get you laid.

The next time she asks a question, like, “Where would you like to go for dinner?”

You respond: “Hey, I just read a review on this great little Italian place downtown. Wanna try that?”

Aw, the magic of decisiveness. It’s a real turn-on!

6. You’re the second most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

    
This is a direct quote! Ok, you are probably thinking, “who says this?”

Well, I have had the pleasure of having a guy tell me this. We had just gotten home from a kind of awkward date, we were in college, and we went into my room. We started to kiss a little. Then, he looks at me and said that gem. Good feelings gone. He then proceeded to tell me all about his ex-love (who he apparently wasn’t over) and next to her I was the prettiest girl in the world. No one wants to play second fiddle. No one. Never tell her that she is “second” to anyone. Needless to say, he was thrown out of the bedroom and I watched a movie with a girl friend instead!

7. Name-Dropping.

    
Ew. Nothing is more of a turn-off than someone so desperate to impress that they can’t help themselves and have to name drop. Nothing screams ‘wannabe’ like name dropping. The thing is, if she is really interested in you, she would listen to you talk about your comic book collection. (Although, I’m not encouraging that.) Women are not interested in hearing what kind of car you drive (unless they specifically ask and have an interest in cars) or how many people you know from a certain industry or group. As women learn about you, they will discover these fun tidbits. There is no need to throw them all on the table at once. Let her explore you; your likes, dislikes, things that make you happy. Leave the laundry list at the door. Just be yourself!

8. Did you know your hair is going gray?

   
Newsflash! Never tell a woman this! If you see her roots in between touch ups, just let it go. Ignore it. A lot of women prematurely start to go gray in their 20s and 30s. Some of the lucky ones can make it to their 40s and 50s before they start having to worry, but if you tell us this, we will shut down sexually. Seriously. Going grey for women is equated to getting old. Old and feeble. Old and wrinkly. She won’t feel sexy when she thinks of herself using a walker. So, just keep it to yourself. Assuming you want sex, that is.

9. Your friend is really hot.

This is a HUGE no-no! You never tell a woman that her friend is hot. When she hears that, she starts to think that you want to have sex with all her friends. Which, even if you want to have sex with all of her friends, you don’t put the thought in her head that you do! She will start becoming insecure about you being around her friends; She will start to think you are thinking about her friend; it won’t be good for you. Trust me, thinking Jennifer Aniston is hot is one thing. But, thinking that about her good friend who lives ten blocks away is totally different. It brings it to reality. Nothing good will come of it!

10. Uh, oh! Are you one of those feminists?

     
“Those feminists” implies that there is something wrong with believing in gender equality and women’s rights. Any girl worth dating is a feminist, even if she has never labeled herself as such. A feminist is a strong woman with her own ideas, her own goals, her own dreams. Strength is sexy. All she wants is the same thing that you want. The ability to create a life for herself. If a woman hears that her prospective lover has called into question her ability to live her life on her own terms, I hear a foot making contact with your ass as you hit the pavement. This is America. Women have rights here. If you don’t like it, I hear Iran has beautiful weather.