Two Day Magazine

Even as Adults, It's Difficult to See Your Parents Separate

You're having dessert and after dinner drinks with your parents at a favorite restaurant. Suddenly, your Mom leans close to you and says very seriously,

"Honey, thanks for meeting us for dinner. This is a little awkward but we have something to tell you. After a lot of discussion and thought, Dad and I have decided to... divorce. We know that you're going to be upset but it really is the best thing for us."

If the above scenario sounds familiar don't be surprised. It is no longer uncommon for adult children to learn that their parents are getting a divorce. Your reactions to the unthinkable news are varied. All of a sudden you feel like an 8 year-old kid; surprised, confused, and a little bit scared. The fact that you're an adult yourself does help to mitigate the fear somewhat, but the surprise and confusion hit you like a ton of bricks. Divorced? My parents? Why?!

"I knew that my parents fought over stupid things but they've been married for 32 years. The arguing was part of their lives and it was kind of funny. I never thought they'd get divorced at this late stage, " says  Kyle 29, a systems analyst.

Caryn says she felt betrayed by her parents' decision.

"My Dad called me up one night to let me know he had gotten a condo and was moving in 2 weeks. He said my mother and he had been thinking about a divorce for over a year! Well, it was news to me. They never said a word to my brothers or me. They had even gone on a Bermuda vacation with friends a few months ago. I asked my father point blank if either of them was having an affair or thinking about it and he said no. He and Mom just didn't want to be together anymore. I don't get it. 40 years after you get married you suddenly don't want to live together?"

Michelle found out that her parents had separated when she traveled cross-country to attend a family wedding. All seemed normal until a chatty cousin told her that Michelle's parents were no longer living in the same house. When Michelle confronted her mother about it, she was told,

"We didn't want to upset you before you got on the plane or at the reception. Of course we were going to tell you eventually We've filed for divorce."

As much as we'd like to think that we know all there is to know about our parents, there are certain aspects of their lives which they keep secret. Truthfully, we only see what we want to see; a world where  Mom and Dad have their secured place in our busy lives. They're an anchor and their home is a safe harbor for us. Parents of adult children don't get divorced!

But, as seen in the very public announcement of Al and Tipper Gore, parents in marriages of long-standing do indeed get divorced.

In generations past the idea that parents of adult children would divorce was unthinkable. This happened only in the movies or with wealthy couples in society.  Today, Mom and Dad have forged strong careers, have financial success, and are unwilling to remain in unhappy or unfulfilling marriages. With a good 25 to 30 years of healthy active life ahead of them, they are taking a long, hard look at the person with whom they will be spending it. They refuse to spend quality time in a miserable or unfulfilling marriage. And really, who can blame them?

Today, people in their 50's and beyond have interests and lives that your grandparents didn't have. Unlike their own parents, your parents are not willing to 'settle'. Women no longer need the financial security of marriage and see the world differently than their own mothers did. Both men and women are making career changes in mid-life; a lot has changed for the better.

Like it or not, you have to accept the changes.

So what can you do if you become the adult child of divorced parents? There are a few 'Be' tips that will help you cope.

Be Neutral.

While 'older divorces' are generally more amicable, you don't really know what caused their decision to divorce. No one, I repeat no one, but the partners themselves know what actually goes on in the daily life of a marriage. Don't lay blame on either one. You will want to stay on good terms with both mom and dad. Let them know that is what you want and be firm.

Be Sympathetic.

Try to remember that you too are an adult. Understand that while you may certainly not be happy about what has happened, your unbiased understanding is a necessity for them.

Be Supportive.

Help  redecorate new residences each may have, be welcoming to new people in their lives, be open to discussions about family, be loving and kind. Above all, refuse to listen to one parent bashing another.

Be Honest.

Let them know how you feel immediately. Don't save your hurt feelings for a holiday get-together where you've had a few good drinks and emotions are already running high. Get it out now.

Be Realistic.

Yes, surprise! Mommy and Daddy are sexual beings! If they date, the odds are that they will have sex with that person. Just as you are entitled to have a sex life, so are they. It is really childish to think they will be celibate. Don't be rude to someone who may become a part of your life. While their titles may be Mom and Dad, they are entitled to their own lives and identities.

And finally...

It helps to remember one crucial thing while you're going through this: They're divorcing each other, not you.

© 2010 Copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is the author of the best-selling book, And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First