Two Day Magazine

When is Lying Okay?

Lying. Everyone does it. I have never met a person who is honest 100% of the time, and if someone says they never lie, they’re lying. Overall, my group of friends can be pretty blunt. Feelings get hurt. People get mad. But, usually no one has to guess how one is feeling and that makes it easier on everyone in the group.

But, what about your relationship with a significant other? Do you tell your girlfriend that she does look fat in that dress? Do you tell your boyfriend you hate watching football with him? Do you tell your partner that you don’t like their meatloaf after they slaved for hours in the kitchen?

Honesty is a tricky art to master. There is a skill to being honest without being hurtful, and a way to say something that doesn’t leave someone in tears. Honesty has to be established in the relationship from the beginning.

One thing I have always found useful when first starting to date someone is tell that person, “Be honest with me at all times. If you don’t like my hair. If you don’t like me. If you disagree with me. Whatever it is, be honest.”

Once you establish with someone that you’re comfortable with their honesty, it can do wonders for how you can grow with that person. It also reveals aspects of their character. If they are mean and tacky with how they express themselves, chances are you won’t want to continue dating them.

However, when we ask someone to be honest with us, we can’t get angry when they are.

As one reader said when I posed the question of being honest in a relationship, “If they don't want to know the truth, then they shouldn't ask. If someone can't handle it, then I wonder if they are mature enough to be in a relationship.”

A lot of it comes down to whether or not we want to be in an honest relationship or one filled with white lies, never knowing if you’re getting the full truth from your partner.

Another reader stated, “We should be careful of the questions we ask and whether we truly want them to be answered.”

This points to the fact that people are afraid of the truth. The truth can sometimes sting a little, but what hurts worse? Finding out that your partner really doesn’t enjoy the music you like to blast every night before going to bed, or your partner feeling confident enough in your relationship that he or she can be honest with you without causing a major fight?

When it gets to the point where you and and your partner feel as if being honest about smaller issues seems difficult, you begin to compromise yourself in that relationship. Those little lies add up over time and when the truth begins to come out about those small things, you begin to question what else your partner might be withholding or what else they have lied about.

After awhile, one can get really good at lying. I know I did. I was once dating someone who liked A cappella and competed on a national level. I sucked it up and pretended that it was just dandy. I went to an A cappella competition with him (which lasted three hours) and tortured myself by constantly listening to his music that I absolutely hated. I even bought music on Itunes to get myself to like it.

But, it didn’t work. My opinions didn’t change. Not only was I being unfair to him by making it appear as though I thought his music was the greatest thing that had happened to the planet, I was doing a disservice to myself. I kept subjecting myself to something that I really just found plain awful.

While relationships are about compromises, that doesn’t mean you crucify yourself in the process. As soon as our relationship ended, I deleted every A cappella song I had. I vowed that the next time something similar happened I would be honest, and I would expect complete honesty from the other person. This situation made me realize that I don’t want someone being unfair to himself while dating me just because he’s afraid of how I’ll react when he’s honest.

It just reminds of the movie, A Few Good Men. “I want the truth!” (Tom Cruise) “You can’t handle the truth!” (Jack Nicholson)

Yeah, it’s cheesy, I know. But, sometimes, we just gotta suck it up and realize the truth is a much better alternative then digging yourself out of a white lie hole. Those holes get deep and sometimes there is no shovel that can get you out of that mess. And, they can get expensive... Itunes songs aren’t cheap.