Two Day Magazine

Knowing When to Hold Back

I went on a few dates with this guy, Derek. It wasn’t really anything serious, but it was clear that we both had a mutual attraction to one another, and enjoyed spending time together. They were simple dates; a walk through the park, the movies, out to dinner. “Normal” dates. Though nothing spectacular, it was a welcome change to the myriad of crazies and losers I’d dated in the past. We had great conversation; too many times had I made the mistake of trying to date non-conversationalists. More often than not, the “dating” aspect didn’t work, and it turned into the occasional roll through the sheets.

After a handful of dates, I invited Derek over to my house to watch movies. In gay speak, inviting someone over to “watch a movie” equates to “inviting someone over to hook-up,” but I was actually serious about watching a movie and getting to know him better. And besides, it was in the middle of the afternoon; I don’t tend to get frisky until the sun goes down. Our hooking up hadn’t really gone any further than making out, and we both seemed content with that.

When Derek got up to leave, he gave me his standard hug and kiss and told me he’d call me later. “Later” turned out to be 10 minutes later, and that’s when things took a turn for the bizarre.

I got a text from Derek that read: “Don’t contact me ever again. I don’t want to talk to you ever again.”

After my heart stopped pounding a million times a minute, I dismissed it. Derek must have texted me by mistake. I responded with a simple but inquisitive “huh?” His response was pretty much the same as his original text.

The (over) analyst that I am became immediately defensive, confused, shell shocked, angry, and even sad. What did I do to make him react that way? It made me feel extremely insecure. Did my breath smell? Did he suddenly decide that I was ugly? Or was he just a legitimately foul person? He was at my house 10 minutes ago. If he felt that way, why didn’t he tell me before he left? Before he was affectionate?

Derek always made it a point to tell me just how “honest” he was; but how honest was what he just did? I had never encountered anything so cowardly and needlessly cruel in my life. I decided to erase his number from my phone immediately. The whole ordeal was rather humbling. It didn’t necessarily make me lose faith in guys, but in people in general.

Before long (by the end of the day) my sadness and astonishment turned into flat out rage: I was pissed. The devil sitting on my shoulder told me to run his name through the mud. But what should I do? Tell everyone in town that he gave me crabs?

The more I thought about it, I realized that a) that wasn’t true and b) I didn’t want people to think I had crabs. Should I slash his tires? Pee in his gas tank? Order 15 pizzas to his house? Sleep with his mom? Maybe I could pretend that I got ran over by a bus; that would make him feel bad, right? Is there a proper way to handle a situation like this? Of the many times that I’ve wanted to get back at somebody for something, I’ve never actually followed through with it. As much as I thought about it in my head, my actions were never anything except thoughts; nothing ever materialized. Getting back at someone brings you down to their level, and makes it seem like you care too much (even if you do). Is revenge EVER a good idea?

The need for revenge seems to pass or wane as we grow older. Back in middle school in a sort of Heathers/Mean Girls fashion, my friends and I had no qualms over forging an explicit note to someone we didn’t like from their secret crush. And there was the time I put soap on a rope in some smelly girl’s locker. I’m not even quite sure what she did to make me dislike her; violated my nasal passages I suppose. But, even back then, and even as the most unfortunate and wretched form of brat, I still had a conscience. I still felt bad. Vindictive and slimy behavior is often overlooked or even accepted/expected when you’re 12. But, when you’re in your 20’s, it just makes you look like a dick.

A lot of people seem to experience some form of a high from getting back at someone; a comfort in knowing that they have the last laugh. To me, it seems so pointless and a waste of time. It would probably even make me feel guilty, or worse in the end. I always cringe when someone busts out the “karma is a bitch” cliché, but when it comes to revenge, it seems suitable, and a much less haphazard approach.

I’m 99.9% sure that Derek has done this to guys before, and will do it in the future. I’m confident that karma will take its course and repay his manipulating, calculating ways by infesting him with a flaming case of syphilis. Thinking bad/vindictive thoughts is probably no more morally acceptable than physically inflicting or seeking revenge, but at least one can’t be incriminated or held accountable by these mere thoughts that never reach fruition. I never thought I’d be one to quote Justin Timberlake, but “what goes around comes around,” right? I guess I DO like clichés.