Two Day Magazine

Forgiveness can allow you to move forward...but will you?

A client, let’s call her Anna, came in for our first session saying, “I need help getting through my divorce.”  

With further inquiry, the divorce proceedings were in their infancy, although the marital problems were much longer term.

Anna and her husband had three children together who were all under the age of five years.  When the youngest was just born, Anna learned some things about her husband, Collin, that were quite upsetting. Among other things, she learned that Collin had been involved with another woman while they were dating and had continued being physically intimate with her for a year into their marriage.

“I feel like I have been hit with a 10 foot poll,” she told me.  “Everyday I wake up just sick to my stomach. How could he have done this to me? It feels like I was suckered into marrying him. I would never have married him if I had known all these things about Collin. Now, three kids later, I am so angry with him that I cannot even look at him without feeling like I am going to go crazy.”

When I brought up the topic of forgiveness, I received a glare from Anna that looked like flames would be shooting of her eyes out any minute.  

“Why should I forgive him? He’s the one who lied, who deceived me, who caused our marriage to be based on a pile of lies!”  

When we discussed how her resentment and proceedings with the divorce would affect her children, she responded, “Its HIS fault, not mine.”

Yikes.

It was obvious that Anna did not fully understand what forgiveness is versus what it is not.  And, despite my sharing with her the benefits of forgiveness for her emotional and physical health, as well as the health of her children, she was not ready to hear it.

So, I needed to take a step back and let Anna mourn her loss- the loss of the life she thought she had. Anna thought there was more trust, authenticity and loyalty in her marriage than what she now saw. This, in a sense, was a death of the marriage she believed she had. And, in order to move on (within the marriage or via a divorce) she needed to go through the stages of mourning to get a place of acceptance.

You may have heard of the Kubler-Ross stages of mourning as it relates to coping with a death. The end phase, acceptance, refers to realizing that, despite what unfairness may have been handed to you, you CAN make the most of it.

While these are not set in stone, they provide a nice framework to overcome challenges like the one Anna is facing.  And, perhaps one that you are facing, too.

Briefly, here are the stages of mourning and how they relate to forgiveness in a relationship:

Denial: You may see the signs but deny that they are true. For Anna, she told me “When I first felt like someone was wrong and asked Collin about it, he denied it. It was so overwhelming to imagine, that I tried to believe him.”

Anger: This is the state where Anna was in her first session with me.  She could focus only on her anger, resentment and sense of betrayal.  “It is not fair; he ruined my life!”  Indeed, it was not fair what had happened. However, Anna needed to learn that, despite what Collin did in the past, her current and future reactions were actually choices she would make.  Anna needed to get out of the role of victim.

Bargaining: This includes “if only” thinking. For Anna it would entail, “If only I had known about all this before we got married, then I wouldn’t have married him and everything in my life would be better.”  In a sense, there is the notion that:

IF ONLY this hadn’t happened = my life would be OK

The problem is, in our minds what we are really saying is also:

My life would ONLY be OK = if this hadn’t happened

That, of course, is impossible- we cannot go back in time. But having this belief prevents people from moving through the stages of mourning.

Depression: Like stage 2, the person in this stage also has a victim mentality, but rather feeling angry, they feel sad, helpless, hopeless and worthless.  There is a sense “there is nothing I can do. My life is ruined and I am stuck feeling this horrible forever.”

Acceptance: In this stage, you accept what has happened and choose to do what you can to make the best of a situation. This is NOT to say that you have no emotional reaction. If a loved one died, you would always miss them, but being in the phrase of acceptance allows you to move on with your life- to pick up the pieces and make the best of it. You acknowledge that it is unfair what happened. At the same time, you realize you cannot change the past but you can make conscious decisions of how to take control of your life again, instead of letting the anger and resentment control you.

By assisting Anna to move through the stages of mourning, she was able to feel empowered, get rid of her overwhelming anger, and make the best of her situation.

How can you use this framework to help you?

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For more on happiness, check out twodaymag's newest contributor and author, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo's book: A Happier You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness