"He was mine first" syndrome...
Remember back in high school when your best friend broke up with a boy you liked? All that agonizing about what you would do if that boy asked you out! How long would you have to wait after the break-up before you could let him know you liked him? Should you tell your best friend that you were going to date her ex-boyfriend or just let her *find out*? Would your friends take sides and would you be the one who lost friendships because of this boy? Tormenting questions for teenage girls. We looked for rules to follow then and sometimes made up our own.
Faced with a similar situation as adult women, we have to ask if the rules we should follow have changed significantly. Is it different because now we're all adults? Well...yes and no.
Becoming an adult doesn't automatically bestow a maturity and a live and let live attitude. While there may not be a hair-pulling cat fight between you and your friend, there are still emotions and feelings to consider besides your own lustful ones.
Just as in teenage years, your friend may still have strong feelings for her ex. She has the "he was mine first" syndrome and that can create a real problem.
The "he was mine first" syndrome is the idea that once someone is yours, they somehow remain yours forever. It is a typical human reaction, even after a break-up. The fact that the man who once held you in his arms and made love with you is now going to do the same with someone else is cause enough for a jealous reaction. If that someone else is your friend, the reaction can be traumatic.
While the thought of your “man” dating a stranger is hard enough to swallow, his hooking up with a woman you know pretty well is impossible to digest! You begin thinking about whether your ex-love and your friend had been carrying on behind your back during your relationship. It may not be true, but the suspicion is there.
There are three basic rules you can follow if you really want to date your friend's ex.
Rule one:
Self analysis. Ask yourself some hard questions and be brutally honest with your answers.
- How important is your friendship?
- How badly would you feel if you lost her as a friend?
- Do you feel a strong, genuine attraction for her ex or just a curious interest?
- How comfortable will you be if you and your friend meet in social situations such as parties and clubs?
- Will your other friends choose her over you?
- Are you willing to break off ties with your other friends to be with this man?
Rule number two:
Choose sides; his or hers. “Whose side are you on anyway,” your friend may ask. Seriously, if the break-up was initiated by him and your friend is devastated by it, she may feel betrayed that a friend of hers is even seriously thinking of being with “her” guy.
Rule number three:
Tell her. Hopefully you will do this with more finesse than when you were in high school or even college. Be up front and honest with her about your feelings, before you take any action at all. Keep in mind that her mixed emotions about her ex. Love and hate are just a fine line away from each other. Be prepared to lose a friendship.
If you and your friend’s ex do become a couple, remember that this is a relationship between you two and no one else. You and he have to work out some serious dynamics with the other people in your lives and you have to be very strong and united as a couple.
The idea of dating a friend’s ex seems like social suicide to some women and it definitely can be. The reality of being with your friend’s ex is as confusing and scary for adult women as it is for teenage girls. Maturity and wisdom don’t always come with the years, and decisions of the heart, be it friendship or love, don’t always bring us happiness
It goes without saying that you need to think clearly and carefully before you make a decision that will impact your life.
© 2010 Copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is a Lifestyle writer and the author of the best-selling book, And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First
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