Two Day Magazine

Because I Just Can't Say "No"

In my dating life, I have had the opportunity to sample a lot of different flavors. Sometimes I like the sweet. Other times I go for the sour. It depends on the stage I’m in. To be honest, I’ve never had a long-term relationship. Not even close. Have I thought about it? Yes. I’ve played around with the idea that it would be nice to have a commitment with someone. But, every time I play around with that idea with someone who seems like good dating material, I quickly change my mind. 

There is a part of me, however, that is growing weary of these short-term relationships. They are fun and engaging. But, those happy, warm feelings quickly vanish, and before I know it, I am in another relationship, opening myself up to someone new, subjecting my heart to a little more heartache and possibly the feeling of rejection.

As you may have read in previous twodaymag articles, we have already explored the topic of Loveaholics. We have theorized that they possibly exist and that it may not exactly be a healthy thing to be. Well, what about a Dateaholic? Someone who dates a lot, but never finds themselves in a real committed relationship? Is that unhealthy? Do I have a problem?

I can’t remember the last time I was single for more than a week or didn’t go on a date. I’ve been dating since I was 16 and now I’m 21. For five years of my life, (time I should have dedicated to exploring myself) I have invested myself in relationship after relationship. My list of men is so long, so profound, that it puts the length of The Bible to shame.

I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She chronicles her journey of remaining single for a year and during her year long celibacy she traveled to Italy, India, and Indonesia discovering her new self outside of romantic relationships and discovering a relationship with herself. She was celibate, which is a scary word for me, since I like sex even without the commitment. But, she did it. She was a warrior, resisting all temptations and learning how to date herself.

While her book makes it seem like it was so easy for her to do this, all she had to do was learn a little will power, I know it’s not for me. A couple of months ago, I had made the promise to myself that I was going to try to be truly single for a couple months, which meant no dates and no random hooking up. A friend of mine even suggested that I set the goal for two weeks, then progressively add on a week. Well, I didn’t last two weeks. I hardly lasted a few days before going out with so and so and then a couple weeks later I was dating another so and so. During this time, I neglected my writing, neglected friendships, neglected school work, all for some boy that I knew I would replace within a few weeks.

Why do does I do this? I sat in my local coffee shop and scoped the plethora of cute guys typing away on their laptops or reading their smarty-pants books. I like men. No, let me rephrase that...I LOVE men. I love being around them. I love the way they look. I love their scruffiness. There is just something about men that draws me to wanting to be around them a lot.

But, it couldn’t just be their charm and their good looks, could it? No, something else there was lurking, which caused this high dose of men in my life: I hated spending my nights alone. Uncomfortable with the thought of maybe going to a movie by myself or god forbid sitting on my couch and reading a good book without the distraction of wondering when so and so is going to call, I could hardly pull myself away from saying “yes” to a date.

In Kristen Houghton’s article, “Addicted to Men”, she states that women addicted to men (aka boyfriend-aholics) don’t feel complete without boyfriends. I can’t say that I don’t feel complete, I just get bored. Men fill my time, but couldn’t other things like yoga, reading, spending time with friends, taking a walk, getting a much needed manicure and pedi, volunteering, taking a long drive, listening to music, going on a hike, going swimming, learning how to knit, or learning how to cook? While it’s fun to explore these things with someone else, wouldn’t it be cool if I learned how to not be bored with myself and took pleasure in, I don’t know, in getting to know myself?

Right now, I don’t know what the solution is. Do I completely go cold turkey and swear off men until I’ve learned to be content in my own presence? Do I only focus on dating if I’m interested having a committed, long-term relationship? Does that mean no hooking up whatsoever? This is obviously a dilemma and I am unprepared to do deal with the feeling of dating myself.

I suppose on the bright side of it all, I got a lot of free dinners, which is great for a poor college girl such as myself. But, spiritually I’m poor and no free dinner or movie is going to fix that. So, for the time being I am going to focus on having a date with myself once a week and I will chronicle how entertaining dating yourself can be. I hope I’m a good date.