I have a friend who is obsessed with Christmas.
He keeps track of how many days are left until Dec. 25, goes nutty for Christmas music and Christmas lights, and can’t get enough of Christmas shows and movies on TV. He goes so far as to try to convince people to call him “Mr. Christmas.”
I find myself telling him to “shut up” a lot this time of year.
Because while a lot of people love all the hustle and bustle of the holidays, for a lot of people, this time of year can be rough.
And it can be really hard on relationships, especially those already under strain. Even the mild day-to-day strain of running a household and being parents can be exacerbated by the MUST SPEND MONEY NOW OR ELSE YOU DON’T REALLY LOVE YOUR KIDS drumbeat that is everywhere during the month of December. It is nearly inescapable.
While I like the idea of Christmas-- giving gifts and celebrating family-- that’s almost always different in theory than it is in reality. Giving gifts, particularly when the economy is as bad as it is right now, can be fraught with stress. We’ve gotten away from giving a gift because you want to try to make someone happy, and now give gifts like we’re competing with each other.
We HAVE to go Christmas shopping; it’s expected.
And then there’s family. Look, everyone has their family issues. Most of us feel that need to gather with them this time of year, even if we don’t celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. And sometimes the holidays bring out the worst in families: Old grudges resurface, and competitive siblings vie for attention (and I’m talking about grownups here, not kids) from their parents.
Keeping relationships healthy at Christmas takes a little extra effort, but it’s well worth it. It’s all about making sure the lines of communication stay open. For instance, if you’re stressing about gifts because you’re struggling financially, be honest with loved ones, especially your partner.
Anyone who responds to “I don’t have a lot to spend this year,” with anything other than compassion and understanding probably didn’t deserve and wouldn’t appreciate a gift, anyway. The old adage that “money can’t buy happiness” still holds true, particularly at this time of year.
Dealing with family is tricky, too, especially when you’re part of a couple. First, there’s the division of visiting your family and your significant other’s family, and if there’s traveling involved, it adds another layer of chaos. Throw some kids into that mix, and you’ve got a recipe for a nice New Year’s ulcer.
So make sure you take time to let your spouse or significant other know that you realize your family can be loud, or dramatic, or chaotic, or whatever they are. Tell them how much you appreciate having them to soldier through the family maelstrom with you.
The Mayo Clinic offers some great tips on how to weather the holidays. Number one on the list? Acknowledge your feelings: Sometimes you just don’t feel in the mood for holiday cheer, and that’s OK. Don’t try to force yourself to be happy. It won’t work.
My favorite piece of advice from the Mayo list: Be realistic. The holidays don’t have to be perfect. Families change, and so do traditions. What could be better than starting a new holiday tradition that has significance just for you and your partner? Sharing something that’s just between the two of you can only strengthen your bond.
Another excellent piece of advice: Try to set aside your differences with family. There is a good chance they’re feeling just as much holiday stress as you are, so be sensitive to that.
If you go into the holidays expecting everything to be perfect, you’re almost guaranteed to be disappointed. Approach the holidays with expectations low, but spirits high. It may not be the kind of holiday that ends up on a greeting card, but taking time out for yourself and your partner to reflect on what’s important in your lives can help give you the right perspective during this hectic season.
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Find Kim on Facebook and tell her your plans to keep your relationship intact this time of year.
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erikdolnack
My father was a Social Worker, and he did marriage counseling for many years.
My dad always told me that the two things that couples fight the most over are (are you ready?):
1. Money - that one’s pretty obvious. And…
2. Holidays - usually in the form of which family the couple will celebrate the holidays with.
Those are most often the two biggest causes of marital arguments and disruption, according to my dad (a trained Mental Health expert).