Two Day Magazine

Different ways of expressing the same emotion: Love...

Wife: “Honey, can we talk.”

Husband: “Ugh I had a really long day.”

Wife: “Me too… I just wanted to spend some time hanging out and talking.”

Husband: “Really? Because I really need to do some work. I need to catch up on some things because my day was so crazy.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Husband: “I mean, didn’t we talk just a few days ago?”

Wife: “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Husband: “So, do you really need to talk again, so soon?”

Wife: “It would be nice.”

Husband: “I just have a headache from my stressful day.”

Wife: “Fine, forget it!”

Husband: “Fine, we can talk. Come one, let’s talk.”

Wife: “I don’t want to talk of you don’t really want to. Forget it.”

Husband: “Fine!”

Wife: “Fine!”

She storms off and sleeps in the guest bedroom.

What is your reaction to this interaction? Husband is being pretty selfish, right?

What if tables were turned (switch husband’s dialogue with wife’s) AND exchange the word “sex” for “talk.”

Now what is your reaction?

In my clinical practice, I work with a lot of wives who perceive sex as “yet another thing I have to do for someone else.” 

"It is not that I don’t enjoy it," they will say, "it’s just that I am too stressed out to do it; I have a gazillion of things that really need to get done." 

They turn down requests (whether they be actual inquiries “Honey let’s make love tonight” or more subtle advances such as him rubbing her back) because they view it as extraneous; something that can be done once their to-do list is complete.

On the other hand, I also work with husbands who view sex as a way of communicating with their wives, a way of sharing intimacy, showing love and being supportive. In a way, it is their equivalent of talking for their wife. 

Consistent denials by their wives are like a husband saying, “I don’t want to talk with you tonight.” 

As you can imagine, this significantly damages the relationship (not to mention the husband’s self-worth).

YES, this is a huge overgeneralization. I have also worked with clients where it was the opposite. The wife longed for more frequent physical intimacy and was denied by her husband.

The point is, how you communicate love and receive support may be different than that of your partner’s. You may want to snuggle and chat about your day; your partner may want to have a physical connection. 

Despite these differences, the motivation behind the acts is the same:

Wanting to give and receive love.

This does not mean you need to have sex as frequently as you speak with your spouse (sorry, guys!) But, it does mean being more empathetic to your partners’ needs and desires which will help your relationship be stronger.

And when this happens, you have a happier marriage and become an even happier you!

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For more on happiness, check out twodaymag's happiness expert and author, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo's book: A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness

Follow her on twitter: @DrELombardo