Two Day Magazine

Imagine yourself at a party or a bar and you see another guy slip something in a drink, and only a few seconds later he hands the drink to a girl he had been chatting with.

You stand there and do nothing. You look around to see if anyone else noticed, hoping someone else has the courage to do the right thing. Decisions decisions.

In the wildly popular trilogy, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, author Stieg Larsson explicitly details the violence of women in Sweden. The main character and heroine, Lisbeth, is based off someone Larsson witnessed at the age of 15 getting gang-raped. The girl’s name was Lisbeth.

Realizing he could have helped prevent the rape, Larsson calls Lisbeth a few days later begging for her forgiveness and cowardice. Stating that she would never forgive him, Larsson used that experience as an inspiration to bring light to the violence against women and hopefully some justice. If you’ve read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or have seen the film, you could not possibly forget the gripping and disturbingly violent rape scene.

Rape happens every day and it happens more than we often want to acknowledge. This is why I write about rape as often as I do. Having been raped twice within two years of each attack, I understand just how traumatic such an offense is. I remember thinking to myself during those times about what I could have done differently to have prevented the rape. I also began thinking about what others could have done to help.

When I began talking about when I had been raped openly, the reaction I got varied. Most people’s first reaction was one of pity and sympathy. Some of the reactions were, “Well, you kind of put yourself in the position to get raped.”

That is not something anyone who has been raped wants to hear. I did not want to take responsibility for what those men did to me. In fact, I abdicated myself from any responsibility.

A new campaign called Men Can Stop Rape, focuses on educating men to help create a culture free from violence, especially men’s violence against women. I applaud and welcome such ads that focus on education and prevention. While these ads put a responsibility on men to help prevent rape from happening, it also begs the question, who else is responsible in order to prevent rape?

I reflected more on the times I had been raped and thought about the choices I made that led to those rapes. I had received hardly any education during my youth about sexual assault, even though I had been molested when I was nine. I didn’t have many boundaries and often put myself in dangerous situations that could have led to horrific outcomes.

The first time I was raped I was 16 and went to a man’s home after meeting him a couple times. He was 31. I got drunk off the wine he supplied and he raped me. The second time, I went to a hotel with someone when I was 18 that I met at a bar. I tried leaving, but he proved too strong and raped me.

I certainly didn’t invite either scenario and I said “no” and tried to fight them off; however, my voice wasn’t loud enough and neither of them cared to listen.

I wonder though, had I been given the tools and provided education on how to protect myself, whether or not if the rapes would have ever happened. I do not blame myself for what took place. I do not take responsibility for their actions. I didn’t ask to get raped and I made it clear to my rapists that I did not want to have sex.

However, I did not know how to protect myself. I never thought about the consequences of leaving the bar with someone I just met. I never gave great thought to what a 31-year-old man would want to do with 16-year-old girl.

There are activists for rape survivors that may call this process ‘victim-blaming.’ In no way do I believe that rape is ever the survivor’s fault. However, we as individuals have to start taking responsibility for own safety. We cannot assume that others have our safety or well-being in mind. We must be our own best friend. Approximately 70% of college-aged students who have been raped were raped in a situation that involved alcohol or drug use.

There are tools and steps we can take to help protect ourselves from sexual assault. While these steps taken are not necessarily fool-proof, they can serve as ways to avoid going through the traumatic experience of rape.

Here are the top five ways to help protect yourself from sexual assault:

• Do not go home with someone you just met at a bar. It is never a good idea, and I say this speaking from experience.

• Do not accept drinks from someone unless you saw the drink made with your own eyes or opened the beer can yourself.

• If you go out with your friends, ensure that someone sober will be in the group that will be able to help with decision making. If you have good friends, they won’t let you go home with someone you just met, especially if you’re drunk.

• Do not go to a party and get black-out drunk so that you become incapable of making decisions for yourself. It’s not to say you can’t have fun, but don’t sacrifice your safety just for the sake of having fun.

• Try to walk in well-lit places and be aware of your surroundings. By paying attention to your surroundings, it will enable you to listen to your gut and instincts that perhaps you are not safe. If possible, try not to walk alone at night as well.

No person asks to get raped. But you can help protect yourself. Think of it this way: we lock the doors in our house every night to help prevent someone from breaking in. If someone breaks into your home, it wasn’t your fault, even if you left the doors unlocked. But, at least you know you took the precautions necessary to help prevent it. It shouldn’t be any different when it comes to protecting ourselves from sexual assault.

Just because someone shouldn’t assault you, doesn’t mean they won’t. However, we have the power to help prevent it through the decisions we make. Be your own best friend and I promise you won’t regret it.

***************************************

twoday magazine wants to know: Can we stop rape? Share your thoughts on this controversial topic on our Facebook page.

Follow Anya on Twitter @anyaalvarez.