Two Day Magazine

“Just because it’s getting colder outside, doesn’t mean that your relationship has to suffer from a big chill.”

We all reach points in our relationships when the passion seems to have simply disappeared.  The butterflies and energy that go along with a new relationship have long since faded and the doldrums have hit your once loving union.  When the heat begins to fade in a relationship, it’s not only a physical issue.  Sure, the fact that you are no longer ripping each other’s clothes off the minute you see each other is definitely a downer. But, more than that, an emotional and psychological disconnect has probably occurred between the two of you.  Winter offers the perfect opportunity for a struggling couple to work on their relationship.  There are fewer weddings, parties, and outside gatherings and more time for you to spend together, just the two of you.  While the two of you are working on warming up your relationship, keep these simple tips in mind:

1. Go back to what brought you together 
Immerse yourself in meaningful activities that you have always enjoyed individually and as a couple.  For instance, my fiancé and I enjoy board games.  When we begin to suffer a cool down in our relationship, we sit down and play, “Risk”.  Back in the days when we were just friends, we used to laugh and fight over marathon sessions of “Scrabble”.  Now when we play a board game together, we are focusing on something trivial and fun, yet it offers us important one on one time.  This one on one time allows us to relax and to spend time together without really trying.

2.  Revisit the good times
There are times when I reflect on my three and a half year relationship with my significant other and I can't help but wonder how we have remained together despite how much we have grown and changed. Sometimes people focus too much on the negative connotations of change in a relationship. 

"Things have changed between us" and "we have both changed so much since we first met" are two common reasons for ending a relationship.  What about the positive aspects of change? Maybe the two of you have graduated from college and are now professionals navigating through the career world.  Maybe one or both of you have returned to school after a long break and are supporting each other emotionally and financially.  Maybe you have just moved to a new city and are realizing that change can be scary and anxiety inducing.  In all of these instances, you have both matured and changed for the better.  Best of all, you have experienced these changes together.             

But, sometimes, when the changing times of the present day take a toll on your relationship, it's best to look to the past.  Together, look at pictures of the two of you that you took throughout the years.  Revisit old cards and notes that you wrote to one another.  Reminisce about past events that were hilarious, sensual, or even tragic.  When you look at where you have come from and where you are now in your relationship, it can help you realize the feelings and experiences that have bound you together.  Despite all of the change in the world, special memories and shared feelings are precious parts of a relationship that can't be changed or taken away.

3. Avoid a communication breakdown
The worst way to act when a relationship is cooling off is to give your lover the silent treatment or to treat him/her like garbage.  Talking about the big issues that may be tearing you apart, such as money, sex, or commitment, may be too difficult to approach directly.  Don't underestimate the power of discussion and the (in my opinion, undervalued) practice of writing.  If you have a hard time expressing yourself emotionally, write your feelings on a piece of paper.  If you decide to show your written feelings to your significant other, that's great.  If you would rather keep them private, that's great, too, because you can revisit these thoughts if you decide to discuss your feelings.     

If you and your lover are not fighting about any of the "big" issues, but you are feeling a cool down nonetheless, spice things up again by engaging in frequent, loving talk.  Text or email your lover during the work day to ask about dinner plans or just to say, “I love you”.  Leave her a note in her purse telling her that she looks beautiful.  Write him a note that describes his best qualities and leave it in his pants pocket.  It's tough enough getting desire to brew after a long day at work, especially if you feel underappreciated, bored, or neglected. 

By keeping the communication lines constantly open with your lover, you can rekindle the passion easily and most importantly, with sincerity.