Should you open up or is it too much, too soon?
First dates really are a necessary evil.
A first date is like a job interview — must wear crisp, clean clothes; can’t talk too much; can’t talk too little; make good eye contact; be confident. Oh, and don’t sweat.
All excellent advice I’ve given friends before. And, all very much easier said than done.
So when a friend went on a first date recently, I was there to coach him along. It had been more than a year since he’d done the first date thing.
Surprisingly, my friend successfully made it through the first date. With flying colors, nonetheless.
I was happy, but also shocked at his success. It wasn’t as though I thought he’d bomb his first date, but rather, I was shocked that the date went well considering he decided to (against my advice) bring up "taboo topics".
Most dating experts and websites suggest leaving politics and religion off the menu for first date discussions. My friend chose the opposite. For him, knowing these things is part of what makes him more attracted (or less attracted) to somebody.
Not one dating-focused blog, story or expert I could find online suggested talking politics and religion on the first date. But, here was my friend, openly discussing the economy, wars and foreign policy while sipping coffee at a coffee shop.
“How did she react?” was about the only thing I could say when he told me he actually had went through with it.
I’m the last person on earth to keep anything back, but even I know you’re walking a thin line bringing up somebody’s personal beliefs right when you first meet them.
However, his reasoning made some sense. If you want to get to know somebody, it’s best to lay it all out on the line. I’ve never been one to sugarcoat a topic, and the first date isn’t a place to do that, either.
Anybody will tell you to be yourself on a date. Well, if being yourself includes talking about likes, dislikes, taste in music, career and sports, then that list also should include politics and religion. Why shy away from a topic everybody wants to know about?
Discussing these taboo topics on a first date will either make or break that first date, but, like my friend said, wouldn't you rather know right up front then waste your time?
In my friend’s case, his date shared identical political beliefs with him. She, however, did not share similar religious beliefs. They went out for a few times before it ended. Their "taboo" discussion had nothing to do with the break-up, however. But, it was still important for him to figure out what her values were.
So, rather than discussing superficial ideas like the weather or some fake reality show on broadcast television, the potential couple can sink their teeth right into what people want to know, but are afraid to ask.
I realize I’m the minority here as a number of relationship experts and friends disagree. It’s safer to discuss baseball, the rain, careers and cute puppies without actually sharing beliefs.
But, not opening up about this side of you could lead to miscommunications down the road. Why wouldn’t you want to be honest about something you care so much about?
For my friend, politics and religion are two of the more important topics to discuss on a first date for him to really consider the relationship becoming long-term. It matters because after meeting the person and scheduling a second date, he can feel comfortable knowing that the pair have more to talk about (or debate about).
Everybody always recommends being yourself on a first date, and really, there’s no better way to be yourself than to bring up some taboo topics. It’ll be challenging and also add some pizazz to what typically can be forced and dry conversations about someone’s pet Fluffy and their thoughts on the abundant rainfall.
But, try not to get too carried away. A good date never ends with having a cup of coffee dumped on your head.
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erikdolnack
I hate first dates. Even the best of them is painful to endure (IMO).
I would think that some people “weed out” potential mates just from the platform/forum they met at initially. For example, if religion is crucial to an individual, then use the social networking opportunities at your local church or synagogue or mosque. Someone who’s socially conservative isn’t likely to meet their significant other at an independently owned coffee shop in an urban center. Someone who’s very liberal in their outlook probably won’t be looking in the back of a conservative-leaning newspaper’s singles ads. A lot of it is just common sense.
Common sense usually serves us all. The only time common sense seems to fail us is when emotionality takes over. We’re nervous on a first date. We want it to go well. We don’t want to be humiliated. We fear defeat and rejection. We want that approval. It’s hard to calm under those circumstances.
I’d argue that few people are themselves on a first date, and probably shouldn’t be. I can’t answer why, but for some strange reason we have to wear masks when we first enter a new “tribe” or those outside our “monkey sphere” for the first time. In time, we can take off the mask and be ourselves. But when entering enemy or neutral territory, you must wear a disguise.
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You’re right, erikdolnack. Few people are themselves on a first date. Just like, we’re not the same in a job interview.
“We don’t want to be humiliated. We fear defeat and rejection. We want that approval. It’s hard to calm under those circumstances.”
So true. Just reading that made my blood pressure rise, thinking of how nervous I am in these situations!
Thanks for reading!