Two Day Magazine

Whatever your differences, you must have the same vision of the future to have a long and happy life together...

While marriage inevitably has ups and downs, it’s better to discuss these hot-button topics before you get married to avoid any big potholes in the future as you head down the road that leads to “happily ever after”. Here are the roadblocks to remove before you say “ ‘til death do us part.”

1. Family.

Sounds warm and fuzzy at first, but the topic of being with children, in-laws, where to spend holidays, how many children you want, dealing with extended family, putting up with familial stress... it all can add up to trouble for your relationship. When you first start talking marriage, you have to discuss where you see the relationship heading in terms of starting your own family and how close you want to live to either of your families.

Do you both want kids? How many? If he wants a baseball team and you’re content with one, that could be a problem. What if you love his mother but he detests yours? These issues may seem trivial, but you need to iron out the potential troubles before the big day. Children can be wonderful (if you both want them), family can be fun to be with (if everyone gets along) and knowing how to handle each situation as it comes takes patience, humility, a sense of humor and sometimes, an acceptance of the things one cannot change. Like a bitchy mother-in-law.
    

2. Sex.

Sounds crazy, right? Why would a couple fight about sex? It isn’t so much about the actual act of sex as it is the frequency and type of sex. If he is vanilla and you’re rocky road, you may bore of him before the garter is even on the floor. If his idea of wild sex is whips and chains and your idea is doing it with the lights on, you may become frustrated with one another. He wants it twice a week, you’re happy with twice a month, guess what? Nobody will end up happy.

Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. If one or both of you are having issues in the bedroom, they will spill over into other parts of the relationship. Fidelity is always a component, as well. Are you both in this for the long haul or is this “until someone better comes along”? Keeping your partner satisfied while keeping yourself satisfied is a tall order to fill, especially in the long term.

The key to happiness in the bedroom is open communication, an open mind and a sense of humor. Sometimes, it will be ridiculous. Sometimes, it will be intense, and sometimes it will be for five minutes. That’s okay. Find a rhythm and go with it.
   
But, never use sex as a weapon and “never, ever”, as my grandma would say “go to bed angry. It doesn’t work. Kiss him on the cheek, even if you are still upset. It will melt both your hearts a little.”

3. Money, honey.

The cause of so much angst and despair in our culture, of course, it is going to cause issues in marriage. If he is marrying you because he has all the money and you seem ok with that, but then down the road it leads to control issues, then that is a problem. If you make a lot more than he does and it upsets the balance in the relationship because his ego gets in the way, then that’s a problem. If you don’t have enough money to survive on and one or both of you are becoming agitated and resentful towards the other, then that’s a problem. In this economy, what if someone loses their job? What if someone gets fired or quits out of frustration?
        
Money can create a sense of false expectations. Feeling that your life should be heading in a certain direction, or expecting things to come naturally and easily all of the time. Then, when they don’t, or when money doesn’t magically cure all of your problems, it becomes an issue that can wreck a relationship. Communicate about your needs, but understand that you are a team. Both of you deserve respect no matter how much money either of you are bringing into the home, assuming you are both giving either time, money or energy into the relationship, into the family, and into the home you are creating. It’s all about give and take, exchange of energies and a love that can reach beyond the green.

4. Career

It’s 2010. Both sexes are in the workforce and bringing home the bacon. So, what does that mean for marriage? Now that we, as women, have allowed ourselves to dream big, create our own existences, and create goals for ourselves outside of marriage and children, how do you reconcile that with being a good partner, wife and mother? Before getting married, it’s best to sit down and discuss where each of you see your professional life heading, and how your personal life will fit in.
           
Do you both travel a lot for work? Do you both work, come home, and then work some more on your laptops? Have you established time everyday where work is off limits? Who does what at home to divide up the domestic chores? These may seem like nagging questions, but if you don’t acknowledge that the relationship is a third player in your lives, then you will crumble as a unit. There’s you, your partner, and your relationship. All three must be nurtured for it to survive. Creating a safe space for both of you to live in outside of your careers is important. Your home should be a sanctuary, so make sure that you put your relationship first when you walk in that door at night.  A little less work and a little more kissing never hurt anybody!

5. Religion and Culture

Two atheists marrying each other probably won’t create tensions in this department, but an atheist and a devout Muslim may cause some serious tensions. What if one of you wants to raise your children Catholic (like you were raised) but your partner (a Baptist) won’t be satisfied unless they grow up in that religion? What if one of you came from a liberal, spiritual, free-thinking family and the other came from conservative, religious family where everyone joins the military? How do you remedy your differences and come together in peace and harmony?
       
The first thing you need to do is recognize that diversity gives you strength. We see it all the time in nature, the healthiest of all are the heterozygotes. So, how do you apply that to your own relationship? Acknowledge that you both understand that it isn’t always necessary to agree on everything in order to have a satisfying and long-lasting marriage. The religious or political differences can show your families and future children that tolerance and mutual respect are the true values of society.
           
You don’t need to pick a certain religion to raise your child in or a certain political ideology. By exposing your family to a multitude of cultures, political views, and religious or spiritual beliefs, you can have more interesting, more honest, and more complex conversations about the world, about life, and how love can expand and create bridges where there weren’t any.

Whatever your issues may be with your partner, it is always good to remember what made you fall in love with them in the first place. Was it there sense of humor? There good natured spirit or their passion? Recalling why you thought you can’t live without them in the first place will help you put your differences in perspective and keep you focused on what is really important. Each other.