Two Day Magazine

Is this for real?

Sometimes I forget that there are a lot of ways to live in this country, and in the closet is one of them.  And if things weren’t bad enough for those hiding their true selves due to social, political or religious pressures, now there is a way to “spot” if your seemingly straight husband or boyfriend is really using same sex relations “to escape from the monotony of careers and home life, or marrying to “appear normal in society”.

Christwire.org, a conservative online magazine for those Christians living in an “unsaved world” has come up with a handy-dandy list that can clue you into the fact as to the real reason your man bought that gym membership...

I kid you not, this is a real, non-satirical list to check to see if your man is gay. And guys, from the looks of this list, you may not even realize you are gay, yourself!

15. Secret Late Night Cell Phone and Computer Use

    Christwire closely associates homosexuality with porn addiction, but they don’t give any concrete evidence as to how they discovered that association. They also think that if a man won’t surf the web or answer his phone in front of his lady love, then he must be hiding same sex activity. He could be hiding something, sure, but it could just as easily be a heterosexual affair, right?

14. Looks at Other Men in a Flirtatious Way

    “Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?” Hmm, sounds metrosexual to me! Quick! Hide your nail file to gauge his reaction!

13. Feigning Attention in Church and Prayer Groups

    “Lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in an all-male group?” Perhaps he has lost interest in spirituality because his church has become increasingly narrow-minded and putting out stereotypically and derogatory information about others and their lifestyles and he is sick of it. What is wrong with mentoring? This suggests that he should volunteer with women, which is only going to make this magazine paranoid that he is attacking young women’s virtue. Guys, you can’t win. Better off not to do any volunteering at all.

12. Overly Fastidious About His Appearance and the Home

    Talk about a stereotype! “Natural men have a certain amount of grit about they. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home.” Wow, Christian ladies, sounds as though your options are marry a gay guy or live in a cave. Sounds delightful.

11. Gym Membership But No Interest in Sports

    “Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathroom. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or to have sex, that is a worrisome sign.” ...But only if he smells squeaky clean! Remember ladies, real men stink, apparently, so if he didn’t shower after his work out and then grunts, sits down on the couch, puts his hand down his pants and watches ten hours of football, don’t you worry. He’s a keeper!

10. Clothes That Are Too Tight and Too “Trendy”

    “Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex ‘hook ups’. They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothes.” This is outrageous! I didn’t realize the whole cast of Jersey Shore was gay? Snooki, watch out!

9. Strange Sexual Demands

    “If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.” Sounds like there are a lot more gay guys out there than previously thought, under these guidelines.

8. More Interested in the Men Than the Women in Pornographic Films

    “If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.” But, if we refer to #15, isn’t he keeping his porn addiction a secret? How would we know?

7. Travels Frequently to Big Cities or to Asia

    “From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?” Work. Work would be the reason I could think of. That’s a lot of unnecessary traveling to do when he could just as easily put an ad on Craigslist in the small town he lives in.

6. Too Many Friendly Young Male Friends

    “Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?” There are no words. This just keeps getting better and better.

5. Sassy, Sarcastic and Ironic Around His Friends

    “In a sense, he has ‘let his hair down’ and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.” If sarcasm is a sign of hiding same sex relations, then I have dated a lot of gay guys...who smelled great, by the way!

4. Love of Pop Culture

    “Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.” He forgot to mention Sex and the City, the mother of gay icons. Glad that one is in the clear, or once again, I would have to question some of my past lovers...

3. Extroverted About His Bare Chest in Public

    “Does he wear a speedo at the beach? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.” (Because, obviously, you can’t do that with your shirt on.)

2. Sudden Heavy Drinking

    From reading this article.

1. Ladies, Have You Dated Men in the Past Who Turned Out to Be Gay?

    “If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!”  Well, with how the author has described straight men in this article, I think you would be better off marrying a gay guy. Snap!

As hilarious as I found this article to be, I couldn’t get over some of the bigoted stereotypes that the author, Stephenson Billings, was projecting. I don’t know what kind of world this man lives in, but maybe instead of trying to play detective and discover if your man is gay or not, wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where no one had to hide their sexuality for fear of discrimination against them? If we took the stigma off of being gay, then no one would feel the need to hide their true nature. The last thing we need is more stereotyping and disgust of a group that just wants to be accepted and live their lives. Or, did I misinterpret “love thy neighbor?”

*****************************

Natalie Bencivenga is the Editor of twoday magazine and a fierce supporter of human rights. Tweet her your thoughts on this article @nataliestweets

Find twoday magazine on Facebook and let’s continue the conversation there...what are your thoughts on this article? Does the author make a point or is this just more negative stereotyping?