Two Day Magazine

"Princess" for a Day?

I did something that no woman should ever do if she’s not engaged...I tried on wedding dresses. I couldn’t help it as I passed by this beautiful boutique in downtown Seattle after having dinner with my sister. We peered into the windows and these gorgeous gowns said, “Try me on.”

My sister, who is already married, looked at me and said, “Wouldn’t it be fun if you went in and tried on dresses?”

But, of course! The next day I called to see if we could get a consultation. We got in that day and I was in bridal gown heaven.

I went nuts. I went through rack after rack and was immediately struck at how amazing some of these gowns were. I wanted to wear them to coffee shops, to dinner, to go shopping. I felt like a princess just looking at them. Then, the fitting began. I put on the first gown, and yes it, was a stunner. I pranced around in the shop and told the consultant how my 'fiancé’ and I met. He just finished his MBA in finance and we were planning on a spring wedding.

I was beginning to create a little world that I even believed in. I even wore my sister’s engagement ring. My sister played along and told the lady how much she liked my and how lucky we are to have found each other. This little game was getting a little out of hand, but hey, who knows if I’ll ever actually wear a wedding gown?

I put on the final dress, walked out, and my sister’s jaw dropped. She looked at me, the consultant even got excited, and all they could say was, “Wow.”

“You really look like a bride,” said the consultant.

My sister started crying.

I looked in the mirror and thought, “Yeah, I look pretty.”

But I didn’t flinch. I tried imagining myself walking down an aisle. I tried to get really excited. I tried imagining wearing a ring on my finger indicating that I belonged to someone. Maybe not the word ‘belonged’.

All I know is that I felt very uncomfortable. I felt trapped in the dress and wanted to get out of it. The $7,000 price tag also made me feel a bit tense.

The consultant began telling me how I could get 30% off the dress because it fit me so perfectly. She told me she would hide it away from other customers that came in if I wanted more time to decide because that was the dress for me.

I said I needed to talk to my  fiancé first before I decided on anything.

As soon as I got out of the dress, I ran out of the store.

Talk about an epiphany. Never before have I felt so overwhelmed with the thought of commitment.

My views on marriage are non-existent. I’ve thought about it before, but I haven’t dwelled on it. I’ve considered it might happen one day, but never thought of it as an actual possibility. Seeing myself in a wedding dress only made me realize how unprepared I am to be even taking the idea of marriage seriously.

How can I even play around with the idea of marriage when I’m still barely learning how to have a relationship with myself, let alone date a guy for more than a month?

The thought of commitment, a lifelong commitment to be exact, isn’t something one should take lightly or play around with. It’s not a time to play dress up just to feel like a princess for a day. It’s a big deal. A really big deal.

It’s telling your significant other, “I want you and only you for the rest of my life.”

I’m sure that’s a wonderful feeling to have. I’m positive in fact that many people do experience that sense of unity, as if no other person could bring as much joy or sense of peace and meaning to their life.

As of now, however, I want that sense of meaning and joy to come from within and I want to be able to enjoy someone without having to worry about if it’s going somewhere and let whatever happens happen. I want to spend time with a person and not feel pressured into thinking that we have to call ourselves an “item” until I’ve enjoyed being in the present with that person all the time, and not so focused on the future.

It’s not that I feel commitment is a bad thing, but I’m not looking to put a ring on it any time soon. However, I hope someone looks as good as I did in that dress, though.