Two Day Magazine

Who else besides me feels as though the world is going mad?

Welcome to another edition of The Hollywood Outsider, everybody’s* favorite weekly misinformed musings about the people that truly matter in our society.

Your humble contributor needs to apologize for his absence last week. He had a death in the family and needed to attend to that. He would have at least given some notice, but if he had the power to foresee such things (real powers, not the Sylvia Brown bullshit kind) he would be living on an island he purchased somewhere with his pet monkeys.

This week the world saw the nation of England once again prove itself to be populated by characters out of Lord of the Flies. America is still trying to figure out what to do with its shiny new downgraded credit rating (of which it previously said there was “no risk” of), and the Republicans promised the nation they would be way more fun this time around.

So, with that out of the way let’s get to the news that really matters!

Here are this week’s headlines.

Jennifer Aniston Goes To Hawaii With Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of

Good news, Jennifer Aniston is back in the tabloids again. There really is nothing special about this unless the headline was “Jennifer Aniston makes a decent movie other than Office Space.”

Unsurprisingly, that’s not the headline at all.

Aniston was seen taking a vacation to the tiny independent nation of Hawaii (they like to be referred to that way) with her new boyfriend, Justin Theroux. If you’ve heard of Justin Theroux, then that makes one of us. I think he wrote Iron Man 2 and did some voice work for a video game.

Why is Aniston even a star in the first place? How many bad movies do you get to make before society pulls the plug on you? It’s not like someone of her unexplained stature doesn’t have a ton of offers for her to choose from and picks these terrible roles out of desperation.

The only thing interesting about tracking Aniston is her impressive string of failures in her love life, and following that seems both cruel and uninteresting. What is interesting about a woman who apparently sucks at dating? I can walk into just about any dive bar and see that in person.

Let me be clear. Your humble contributor loves Office Space and wishes nothing but the best for Aniston. I just hope society decides to hold off showering her with attention until she actually does something interesting, on or off screen.

Teen Mom Dad goes on 11-Hour $5,000 Stripper Binge

This story has to warm the cockles of your heart. A wise man once said “Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one of them is a woman’s” but that is advice that Teen Mom star, Amber Portwood, decided not to take when she mothered the child of Gary Shirley.

For those who need a little background (because I definitely never heard of any of these people before this week), Teen Mom is an MTV reality spinoff show of 16 And Pregnant a reality show on the same network following the trials of young pregnant teens.

Your humble contributor is going to refrain from commenting on the moral pros and cons of such a display, but he is grateful that the Yemeni version, 12 And Pregnant, hasn’t occurred to any producers yet that he knows of.

Shirley, who was famous for being engaged to young mother Portwood and fathering her child (I don’t know if it was in that order), was seen at a 24-hour strip club (and yes, I too wonder what the shift that starts at 8AM in a strip club is like) from the hours of 1AM to 12PM which - I’ll spare you from getting out your calculators - is 11 hours of nonstop boobage.

11 hours! Your humble contributor doesn’t think he can do anything for 11 straight hours let alone sit in a loud, seedy strip club.

And the cost of this mammarian safari?

$5,000. Five-thousand American dollars!

Now, you humble contributor is the last man to tell another man how to spend his “hard earned” cash, but you’re in the public eye, Shirley! It’s really difficult to gain favor from a public that consists of many hard working Americans who are struggling to pay for things like food and school supplies for their daughters, while you are blowing copious amounts of cash to see someone else’s daughter naked.

On the flip side, according to some schools of economic thought, this sort of in-discretionary spending is just the kind of thing that could get this economy going again (provided the money used in this venture is not borrowed money).

Which makes me think, why would anyone spend that ridiculous amount of time and money in a strip club?

No man could be such a degenerate low life as to be physically able to derive 11 straight hours of enjoyment from a strip club. Therefore, he had to have done it for altruistic reasons - to help save the struggling strip club industry; to ensure that top-heavy female exotic dancers and large male bouncers will not lose their only sources of income in this fragile and crumbling economy.

So, really, Shirley is a kind of one man economic warrior on a crusade to save the American economy from the ground up. Like a private-sector Batman!

And for that, you all owe him thanks (Give me a call Gary, I’d be happy to work as your new publicist. I’m not cheap, but I’m totally worth it)!

After a little more research, your humble contributor has learned that this incident is actually a relatively small compared to some of the other problems that have recently plagued the reality star “couple” (quotes used because I don’t know if they are still together).

Not only has Shirley already been arrested for driving with a suspended license, but  Portwood herself committed physical violence on the man in front of their daughter.

The really sad thing about that last fact is that she committed the act on the actual Teen Mom show and the authorities used the footage to charge and convict her. It’s almost like the real life Trailer Park Boys. (a favorite of your humble contributor’s).

These two are further evidence that it is rarely one single mistake that completely derails a person’s life, but the constant and conscious choice to make bad decision after bad decision.

It really is depressing to see people in these situations and - all joking aside - my heart goes out to them.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cheer myself up by watching more Trailer Park Boys.

*According to the poll I took from my apartment, where I currently live alone.

*****************************

Find John Dupra on Facebook and let him know what you prefer doing for 11 hours straight.