The Hollywood Outsider: Tanooki and Tapeworms

Welcome to your Friday edition of The Hollywood Outsider.

This is twodaymag’s weekly look at all things pop culture from a guy who has no real knowledge of - or interest in - any of it.

This week the nation prepares for the ultimate All-American holiday where all will celebrate the time honored values of food, family, football and brutal genocide of the Native Americans.

Well before we get to that, let’s see who’s been causing trouble this week.

PETA Goes After Super Mario

It’s a well documented fact that video games are the sole reason for the downfall of our society. Before video games, violence was unheard of and humanity unanimously got along, gathering together annually under a giant tree to sing songs about how peaceful everything is.

Then along came video games. We have seen a spike in kids who went from getting good grades and volunteering at church, to hijacking cars and mowing down hoards of innocent people like a senile old man in a farmers market... and zombies. Lots of zombies.

But who is the worst offender? None other than Super Mario, according to PETA.

PETA is a well known animal rights group that very much opposes the mistreatment of animals, unless of course it’s not convenient for them.

In Super Mario’s latest adventure, there is a leaf-shaped power up that when touched, causes Mario to don the “Tanooki Suit”. This suit  is a raccoon-type outfit complete with a tail that allows him to float and turn into a statue, just like a real raccoon.

PETA’s issue is that this is promoting the idea of wearing fur.

The Outsider couldn’t agree more, he has played some Mario games in his day and has, like most people, applied the things he learned from them to real life.

Besides wearing nothing but fur, here are some other things the Outsider does in real life because of Mario:

  • Stomps on and kicks every turtle he sees.
  • Eats mushrooms he finds on the ground in hopes that it will make him instantly grow twice as large.
  • Climbs into random sewer pipes knowing that they will take him to magic lands.
  • Tries to break bricks and other objects with his head in the hopes of finding gold inside.
  • Throws banana peels out of his moving car to deter tailgaters.
  • Grew a mustache and bought a pair of overalls because apparently, that’s what hot blonde chicks are into.

As if targeting a Mario power up wasn’t enough of a stupid waste of time, PETA attempted to drive the point home by creating their own video game where you play a skinned raccoon chasing Mario who is wearing said raccoon’s skin and flying above mocking you.

You can play the game for yourself here or you can take the Outsider’s word for it when he tells you that he beat it and it sucks.

To save you the time, the game ends when you catch Mario and a nice little screen says  “#$! You Mario! This skin belongs to an animal!”

The big question here is how does PETA know where the suit came from? How do they know it didn’t come from an animal that was already dead from natural causes? How do they know it wasn’t synthetic? What if it came from a magic animal that sheds it’s skin every year and offered it to Mario to wear as a special gift of honor and that’s why he can fly and turn into a statue?

They don’t, because it’s a video game and they’re morons.

Jay-Z Stops Selling Occupy Wall Street Themed T-Shirt

Rapper and “best artist at his family reunion” award winner Jay Z has come under some criticism for practicing flagrant capitalism.

The self made businessman was selling T-shirts on his website that said “Occupy Wall Street” with the “W” crossed out and an S added to “Street” so the shirt read “Occupy all Streets.”

Yes you too could proudly wear this hip message of financial rebellion for just one easy payment $22.99 plus tax and shipping. And you can feel good know the proceeds went to the “Occupy” movement....

Oh, not the “Occupy Wall Street” movement, but the “Occupy Jay Z’s Wallet... With your money” movement. The Outsider can easily see how you’d get confused.

Jay Z is the latest to try to use the somewhat anti-capitalist movement to ironically benefit himself financially. Filmmaker, Michael Moore, has also made several stops at various Occupy rallies to promote his new $27 book.

While nobody really expects much from Michael Moore, the Jay Z thing is interesting. When asked about the proceeds, his group said that there were no plans to share any revenue with the Occupy movement. Shortly after that, the shirt was no longer for sale.

Essentially, instead of deciding to donate the proceeds to the movement and continue to sell the shirt, Jay Z thought it was better to just pull it.

If Jay Z’s not making money, nobody’s making money.

And, let’s compare Occupy Wall Street to that of the Tea Party. The Tea Party was a much smaller and less forceful movement but - love it or hate it - its message was simple: Spend Less Money. Essentially, if the two movements were diet plans, the Tea Party would be anorexia and Occupy Wall Street would be a tapeworm. The Outsider’s not sure either one is good for you.

Just don’t kill the tapeworm, or you’ll have to deal with PETA.


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  • erikdolnack

    Tue, 22.11.11 at 12:19PM

    Is it any surprise that a man that hides behind a pseudonym such as “Jay Z” would not really support a political movement of populism, let alone grasp it?

    I find it really disturbing today that so many affluent African-Americans soon lose any sort of camaraderie with their less fortunate brothers and sisters in the Black Community. In a time of severe recession (if not full-blown depression at this point), the poorest among us are hit the hardest, and that means minorities worst of all. When one hears Black leaders such as GOP hopeful Herman Cain making insensitive statements like “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!” (This coming from a man who’s seeking employment in the public sector, mind you). I can’t help but feel that Dr Martin Luther King Jr (if he were alive and with us today) would chastise many affluent members of the Black Community today for selling out and forgetting their roots and their fellow human beings.

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