The Hollywood Outsider: Friday the 13th

It’s Friday the 13th and you know what that means... not a damn thing!

Welcome to the Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag’s weekly look at the world of news and pop culture from a guy who comments on it with completely unearned authority regardless of whether he actually read the articles!

All rise! The court of public opinion is now is session, and the unelected Hollywood Outsider is about to strike down your pop culture legislation.

Checks and balances, bitches!

Can’t Afford A Wedding? Fake An Illness

If there’s one thing the Outsider learned in grade school it’s that faking an illness can get you out of almost any jam imaginable (Which reminds me, sorry the column was late this week Natalie, I had a bad case of... um... Curt Flanagan’s disease?). While fooling the school nurse was usually easy enough, fooling your parents when you got home was damn near impossible, which makes the task pulled off by upstate New Yorker Jessica Vega impressive.

Vega married Michael O’Connell in May of 2010, and like plenty of new couples you read about in twodaymag’s advice page, O’Connell began to grow suspicious of his new bride after a few months.

Why? Well aside from a locked nightstand drawer, it was mostly because she was still alive.

Vega told everyone a few months before the wedding that she had a terminal form of leukemia and only had a few months to live.

Well the fine folks of Goshen, NY did what most fine folks do when a terminally ill bride wants to have an amazing last few months of life; they stepped up and donated everything needed for the wedding; venue, flowers, the whole magilla. They even paid for the honeymoon in Aruba and gave the couple some money to spend.

Well, the fairytale event came and went, and after almost two years Vega was still very much alive and well, which tripped O’Connell’s somethings-weird-o-meter ($19.99 at Target). The husband called Vega’s doctor and was told she had never been a patient there and forged her doctor’s note.

She even shaved her head to give the illusion of chemotherapy. That’s pretty dark.

Realistically though, O’Connell is the victim here. This poor guy was doing right by his terminally ill fiancé (and mother of his child), all the while knowing she was going to be gone, he was going to be left with the child and try to hit the dating scene as a single dad.

Now he finds out that she’s not sick, just really freaking crazy, and not going anywhere for a while.

One would think O’Connell would be bolting for the door, but he has instead chose to reconcile with his wife after initially filing for divorce. They had a second child and moved to Virginia. Why Virginia? The Outsider figures the couple probably believe nobody would ever think to look for them there (He knows he wouldn’t).

O’Connell is pushing for his wife to get mental health treatment rather than prison citing, “She’s a good mom, and that’s all that counts at the end of the day.”

Maybe that’s all that counts for him, but not for everybody else. Getting the Outsider’s money back would be all that counts for him “at the end of the day.”

Still, one can only imagine how hard it would be for their kids to play hooky.

Mel Gibson’s In It Again

Let’s round the week off with some celebrity he-said-she-said infighting, shall we?

Mel Gibson, famous these days for not being able to get himself out of trouble, is the subject of an angry letter written by angry screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, who was angry after Gibson angrily rejected his script. The letter suggests Gibson said lots of angry things about famously angry Beatles frontman, John Lennon.

The whole thing sounds like it is filled with anger.

Eszterhas’ letter said that Gibson once ranted about Lennon saying, “I’m glad he’s dead, he deserved to be shot, he was f**king messianic. Listen to his songs! “Imagine.” I hate that f**king song. I’m glad he’s dead.”

If the accusation is true, that’s a pretty harsh response to a songwriter one doesn’t like. Could you imagine if everybody applied that line of thinking? Bono would have been done in a long time ago.

The letter to went on to say that Gibson saved his true fury for his ex Oksana Grigorieva saying, “I want to f**k her in the ass and stab her while I’m doing it.”

Well Gibson wasn’t going to take that, so he wrote his own letter saying saying that Eszterhas’ letter was filled with lies, and was fired for the good ol’ fashion reason of writing a crappy script.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Eszterhas is a liar, what he’s saying I said doesn’t even sound like me! His script sucked. He’s f**king messianic, read is words! I hate that f**ing script. I’m glad he’s fired! I want to f**k him in the ass and stab him while I’m doing it.”

OK, The Outsider made that up. Here’s the link to his actual letter.

The truth is, Eszterhas could just be throwing stuff out there because he’s pissed he got fired, or it could be all true. And while it’s fun to watch these idiots call each other names, nobody knows what happened and it’s important to remember that before rushing to judgement.

Besides, if Gibson really wants to get himself out of these types of jams then the answer is simple: Take a page out of Jessica Vega’s book (remember her?) and just fake an illness!


twoday magazine wants to know: Have you ever faked an illness to get out of doing something you didn’t want to do? Share with us your stories on our Facebook page.

Like this article? Check out other fun pieces on twodaymag:

     The Hollywood Outsider: Come At Me, Bro By John Dupra

     The Hollywood Outsider: Old Foes, New Acquaintances By John Dupra

Next entry: The Complicated World of Facebook "Friends"
Previous entry: Men: How to Get Arms of Steel


Leave a comment

Please log in above to post comments.