Welcome to The Hollywood Outsider!
This is twodaymag’s weekly look at the world of pop culture.
This week marks the beginning of the Holiday shopping season. This is that special time of year where Americans learn that the secret to true love is buying that special someone a new Lexus or a 17K diamond in the shape of a heart (it has to be a heart because if it was in different shape she might not know what it means). And the best way to make up for being absent from your kid’s life all year is to buy him that talking-light-up-asskicking-robot action figure he’s been screaming about.
The Outsider knows you really wanted a talking-light-up-asskicking-robot action figure, but instead he got you these lousy headlines.
Profiling: Good Enough For Santa
Did you know there is a school in Michigan that is famous for being both the oldest - and best - school in the country for learning how to be Santa Clause? The Outsider sure didn’t, and he wishes he had before he wasted his life going to a “normal college” and learning about “real things.”
The Charles W. Howard Santa School in Midland, MI is the nation’s most celebrated Santa School. It is pretty much considered the Harvard of Santa schools. One would imagine that a degree from Charles W. Howard would land you a job at the big suburban mall with all the hot housewives, while a degree from a lesser school lands you a job at the bullshit mall on the main bus line where all the ex-convicts hang out.
The interesting thing this year is how the school is instructing its students to deal with the ongoing recession.
Students are now being taught to size up the family of the lap-sitting child in order to determine whether the child’s requests are financially plausible and then temper their expectations, if necessary.
So if you take your child to see Santa in your “unemployed clothes,” and he/she asks for a Lexus or a 17K diamond in the shape of a heart, Santa has been instructed to tell him/her to perhaps expect something a little more realistic, like a box of cold hard reality (this year’s hottest item).
Essentially Santa students are being taught the ancient craft of profiling. It’s the same thing TSA agents at the airport are taught to do while denying they actually do it, but instead of looking for terrorists, Santa’s looking for poor people.
The Outsider assumed Santa has been profiling based on income all along because if he wasn’t, then why have rich kids always gotten better presents than poor kids? Wouldn’t it all be the same to him?
Obviously not. At least now he is being more upfront about the whole thing.
Kris Humphries May Have Finally Figured It Out. (Took The Scenic Route)
The sun rose today, that must mean something about Kim Kardashian is in the news.
TMZ is reporting that soon-to-be ex husband Kris Kardashian (come on, we all know he secretly took her name) is telling people that he feels like a pawn in Kim’s quest for reality TV domination.
Humphries (his maiden name), claims that Kim was never serious about being married and simply needed a groom in order to make all kinds of bank off a reality TV wedding.
It seems that Humphries is talking like he is actually hurt. That is interesting because most people assumed this wedding was a farce and both of them did if for publicity. The question always was, “are they both stupid enough not to recognize problems that would end a marriage in 72 days, or is this just a twisted stunt?”
We are now closer to an answer; it was most likely a stunt for Kim, but Humphries actually is that stupid.
Humphires assumed that a woman who has never done anything that wasn’t in the interest of ruthless self promotion would just magically change and adapt to the sacrificial life that is needed for a successful marriage.
Watch 15 minutes of her show and you will not see anything that suggests she would ever want to make that change.
Sadly, Kris made a mistake that many of us make; self blinding in the interest of progressing a relationship. Usually the way around that is to date a person for a while, learn about them, and project from there whether or not they would make a good partner long term (long term = more than 100 days).
Essentially it’s a type of personality profiling.
It looks like Kris could learn a few things from the Charles W. Howard Santa School.
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erikdolnack
It used to be in this country that demanding more and expecting to get ahead was what America was all about.
Today, we’re being told to deal with less and be satisfied with overpriced hamburger restaurants and having our hours cut at the workplace. It’s as if Ted Knight’s Judge Smails from Caddyshack were suddenly the King of the land, telling us all, “You’ll get nothing and like it!”