Two Day Magazine

...The Delicate Balance Between Friendship and Dating...

Everyone has a friend in their life that sometimes just up and disappears. You know the kind; gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, and then, before you know it, you don’t see them anymore because they are “in a relationship.” For some reason, people use the excuse of having a lover as a valid reason to ignore those other people in their life...I’m sure you have a few of them. They are called “friends”.

I looked up the definition of a friend in the dictionary and it reads: ‘A person whom one knows, likes and trusts. A person known well to another and regarded with liking affection, and loyalty; an intimate’.

It does not read: ‘A person who puts up with another person who never calls them back, texts them back or makes an effort to hang out with them except when it is convenient for the other person.’

So, why is it, when a friend is single, they come around a lot and when they are in a relationship, it feels as if you are the one getting dumped? Isn’t there room enough for everyone? It seems to me that there are certain types of people who can’t seem to balance friends and lovers at all. Let’s take a closer look at them in their native habitat and see if we can remedy this annoying situation.

Totally Whipped Friend.

This type of friend wants to see you. Wants to hang out. Enjoys spending time with you and you both have probably known each other for a while and get along super well. Which is why it is a total disappointment that when they have a new lover, they are totally at their mercy. They can’t do anything without “checking with them first.” You never get alone time with your friend, anymore, because they always have their partner in toe.
How Do You Deal?
This friend has potential to stay close to you if you can get them alone long enough to tell them that it really upsets you how they can’t seem to be alone for one minute. Many times, these friends are in a relationship where their partner is completely controlling them and they may need to vent to you how they are feeling. If you can get them to open up, you may be able to convince them to have a night alone every now and then and get away for a bit. Let them know it’s OK to hangout with your friends every now and then and it isn’t going to hurt their relationship. If it is going to hurt the relationship, then it’s probably a bad one to begin with and they should leave, anyway!

The Fair Weather Friend.

This friend loves to hangout. He or she loves chatting on the phone for long periods of time, loves being with you and talks to you about everything in their life. Then, the minute they start dating someone, it’s like the sunshine shifts to the new lover and your left standing in the rain.
How Do You Deal?
This one is tricky, because you do like the person when they are around, but then, when they start blowing you off and ignoring you, it’s hard not to feel slighted. This person may have even been in your inner circle of friends because of all the time you spent with them while they were ‘in-between relationships’. This is a hard hit to the ego, because it makes you feel a little used. Best remedy is to see this person socially, but keep them at arms length, because you will just keep getting hurt again and again.

The Easily Influenced Friend.

This type of friend is swayed easily by their partner. They may start picking up their partner’s habits and lifestyle choices. Then, all of the sudden, all of the things your friend liked about you, all your little quirks and idiosyncrasies that they used to find endearing, have now become annoying. They begin acting with an air of self-righteousness and begin patronizing you because their partner does things differently. Who knows? Their partner may even be talking about you behind your back, fueling their fire just to keep you away. Yuck!
How Do You Deal?
There are times in life where you have to stand up for yourself. This would be one of those times. You need to tell your friend, “Look, I know (insert name here) doesn’t like that I (insert harmless vice here), but he/she isn’t here right now. This is what I like to do, and it never bothered you before (said partner) came around. What gives?” Honesty is the best policy in this situation, and even if you don’t end up seeing eye to eye, it’s better to get it out there and let it go so you don’t harbor unnecessary resentment.

The “We” Friend.

This friend is sort of a culmination of all the rest. They love to talk in the “we” space. “We  love golfing.” (Oh, really? You never golfed before you met him!) “We love cats.” (Really, you were allergic before you met her!) You get the idea. This friend forgets that they had a life of their own before they met their “perfect match”. (Even though it seems they meet their perfect match every 6-8 months.)
How Do You Deal?
This could be the hardest one out of them all to win back because they are in it so deep!  Every time you suggest dinner, or a cup of coffee to catch up, they have to check with their partner, their partner will most likely come, and then they will rush off quickly to do something else together. It can get pretty lonesome being friends with this person, and no one wants to be a third wheel. I say, steer clear of them until they break up and then talk about the situation, because you know they will speed dial you immediately to cry on their shoulder. Oh, you will give them something to cry about!

Bottom line, I could go on for hours writing about how some people change and react differently to their friends once they enter a relationship. To those people, I ask, what is your problem? So what if you are in a relationship? That doesn’t give you the right to ignore your friends, mistreat them, or take them for granted. Lovers come and go. If you are lucky in this life, you can count on a few people to always be there for you through thick and thin, through good and bad. That isn’t to be taken lightly, especially the older you get. And, as for those loyal few who stand by waiting for their friend to return to them, I applaud you, and I also hope you are experiencing love and life in a fulfilling way and aren’t a doormat to people around you. Surrounding yourself with people who care, with people who appreciate, and with people who understand doesn’t happen often, so be good to one another. There’s room enough for everyone!