Two Day Magazine

Welcome to yet another edition of The Hollywood Outsider!

Welcome to yet another edition of The Hollywood Outsider! This is twodaymag's weekly journey through the pop culture desert, searching for the water of knowledge using the dousing rods of truth.

This week a guy who pretends to be a hero in movies claims he would have been a hero in real life if only given the chance, and the Outsider decides to hunt the world's most dangerous game... witches!

Mark Wahlberg > 9/11 Victims

September 11, 2001 was on of the worst days in American history. Looking back, many wonder how such a tragedy could have been prevented. Well Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch front man Mark Wahlberg has recently supplied an answer; he should have been on one of the hijacked planes.

Wahlberg told Men's Journal during an interview that "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'"

Heard that 9/11 victims? You let your country down. Never mind the fact that conventional wisdom at that time had been to comply with hijackers. That the hijackers themselves told everyone that they were landing the plane at an airport and everyone would be released if they remained calm. And a hijacked plane had never been used as a weapon before so the thought was unimaginable to most people. Those are just lame excuses. You all should have just magically known what the terrorists real objections were and taken action Jack Bauer style.

Even United 93, the plane that did take action by crashing in PA after learning about the fate of the other hijacked planes, didn't do it to Wahlberg's satisfaction. Come on people, how hard is it to land a commercial airliner with no training while trying to fight off crazy-assed terrorists? The Outsider played Pilotwings for the SNES all the time as a kid so he knows what he's talking about.

The Planet Of The Apes star only seemed to have advice for the victims on the hijacked plane. The Outsider would have loved to hear his advice for the firefighters in the buildings, "If I was one of those firefighters, there would have been a lot less fire and then me saying 'OK I'm going to hold this building up myself now. Everybody out!'"

Wahlberg later apologized for this bit of braggadocio jackassery by saying he didn't intend for his comments to come off as insensitive. This is too bad because now The Outsider won't get to hear him explain how he would have prevented Pearl Harbor, "If I was on one of those ships there would have been a lot less Japanese planes crashing into the side of it and a lot more Japanese planes crashing into the bullets fired from my gun."

Or how he would have dealt with the Cuban Missile Crises, "If I was President, I would have swam to Cuba and disarmed the nukes myself. Then I would have mushroom-stamped Fidel Castro, and took some of his silverware for my trouble."

The moral of the story: If you want someone to get their hypothetical ass kicked, call Mark Wahlberg.

Famous Witch Hunter Comes To America To Spread Stupidity

Anyone who is a student of history, such as the Outsider, knows of a famous case where a woman was accused of witchcraft and put on trial. The woman was found guilty by using a proven scientific test of comparing the woman's weight to that of a duck in order to see if she was made of wood and would therefore burn and be declared witch.

Oh wait, that was Monty Python And The Holy Grail. My bad.

Witch hunting has long been used as a great example of how mob thinking can get in a negative feedback loop and go completely off the rails. But surely, we as Americans are far too advanced a society to give any credence to such a foolish and destructive activity like witch hunting today.

Nope.

This March, the Liberty Gospel Church in Huston, TX will be holding a 12-day seminar featuring "Lady Apostle" Helen Ukpabio, a west African preacher famous for accusing and rooting out witches all across the continent.  

Accused Witches - in this case - are usually women, children and the elderly. Pretty much anyone who is not physically capable of defending themselves (so clearly not Mark Wahlberg).

Typically, when someone is accused of witchcraft, that person is brought up on charges based on a witness testifying that the accused was seen transforming into a flying basket plane and transporting children to South Africa to play football (this not made up). The accused then denies the claims because the claims are stupid. But the police tell the accused that if he/she confesses the sentence will be more lenient. The accused then confesses and (remember these are old women and children) is sentenced to hard labor.

For some reason it never seems to dawn on any of them that if the accused could actually transform into a magical flying object, then he/she would just do that and escape the sentence all together.

Ukpabio, a self-proclaimed reformed witch, must have decided that Africa has their witch problem under control and now needs to spread her special brand of stupidity to the good ol' US of A (Yes, Africa is now sending missionaries to the US. Go ahead and take a moment to let that soak in).

This brings us to the most important question, "What can this Marathon Deliverance thingy do for me?" Well according to the poster, it can help you deal with the following:

• In bondage
• Having bad dreams
• Under witchcraft attack or oppression
• Possessed by mermaid spirit (Outsider's favorite)
• Untimely deaths in family
• Barren and frequent miscarriages
• Under health torture
• Lack of promotion with slow progress
• Unsuccessful life with disappointment
• Financial impotency with difficulties
• Facing victimization and lack of promotion
• Stagnated life with failures
• Chronic and incurable diseases

Now the Outsider figures there has to be more to this as he's seen The Little Mermaid and wouldn't mind being possessed by that spirit one bit. So he took a closer look at the poster to try to get to the bottom of it, and he found it. The bottom of the poster reads, "Come receive your freedom from the Lord."

Now the Outsider is no theological scholar, but what kind of person would want you to be free FROM the Lord?

The answer? A WITCH! She's not reformed at all! Ukpabio is secret self-hating witch who rails against witchcraft to throw others off her trail!

She's the Senator Larry Craig of witchcraft!

But in all seriousness, if the irrational persecution and imprisonment of people weaker than you is your thing, then you should probably check this out. Details are on the website.

Now if you don't mind, the Outsider needs to go Wahlberg some witches.  

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twoday magazine wants to know: Who would win in a fight? Wahlberg or witches? Place your bets on our Facebook page!