Tomorrow morning at 10:15am EST, I will be on itsyourhealthradio.org with the fabulous Lisa Davis discussing the topic of soul mates and whether or not they exist. It got me to thinking about what the concept of a “soul mate” really means and whether or not we help or hurt ourselves by framing relationships in such limited terms.
Then, I wondered, who out there has written a “list” of qualities that their potential lover must have in order to qualify as a possible mate? I remember as a teen writing a list like this, with silly things in it about my ideal partner’s looks, tax bracket and career choice. Looking back on that list, I laugh to myself, because as we know, when you are a teen, everything seems so easy, so black and white, so compartmentalized, and undeniably superficial. It’s only when one gets into the world of dating that we realize how impossible and ridiculous those lists are, and how they hinder not help your search for the “perfect” partner.
Instead of creating a list of specific qualities that our partner MUST have to be considered for the position of lifetime companion, wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on the TYPE of person we want around, instead?
For example, as opposed to saying that my partner must have dark brown/black hair, dark eyes, full lips, perfect teeth and dimples (this is seriously what I wrote when I was 16) wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on attracting a partner that believes in wellness and taking good care of himself? It shifts the focus from the outward appearance to the overall health and wellbeing, which is important if you are an active person who enjoys physical activities as well as a similar healthy lifestyle.
Then, instead of saying that my partner needs to make X amount of dollars to be in the running as my long-term love, wouldn’t it make more sense to pinpoint my energies instead on learning to provide for myself, as well as seek out a partner who is happy with what they do for a living and able to take care of themselves financially?
These examples are just a few, but I think you get the idea. By shifting the conversation from the specific to the broad, not only does the dating pool expand, but your chance of meeting someone that shares similar interests and values will increase exponentially.
Wouldn’t it be a shame to meet a great guy (or gal) that has all the qualities you looked for but (alas) falls short in one or two categories? What do you do? Do you discard that person for not fitting into your perfect little box, or do you take a chance and realize that (gasp!) you might not fit into someone else’s perfect little box, either; and wouldn’t it be a shame to miss out on a great person or great opportunity because of that?
If we stop looking at one another with our clipboard in our hands and just let go of our fears and inhibitions when it comes to dating, we may just surprise ourselves and end up face to face with that imperfect person who just may be perfect for you!
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
My list is more of what to avoid:
drug users, smokers, etc.
Stuff that I would be incompatible with.
Recently, I’ve had to add “Palin supporters” to the avoid list. LOL!
I actually did date a girl who was pretty much everything on my list. Turned out, we were too similar and got on each other’s nerves. Sometimes it’s really opposites that attract (sort of ying/yang) where you discover new stuff you weren’t even aware of before and get to expand your horizons on the flip-side.
I think at the core, you do need to have a similar set of values and ethics. If you are a basically honest person, you aren’t going to do well with someone who lies, cheats or steals.
After the sex, you have to be comfortable shutting your eyes and going to sleep next to them, and not worrying about your watch, wallet or winding up cuffed to the bed (unless you’re into that).