Two Day Magazine

By: Mia Bencivenga

Marriage.  

In many cultures, it is considered to be a sacred sacrament, one that seemingly binds two people together for an eternity, so that they may worship, procreate, cohabitate, and even decorate as a single collaborative unit.  

Once married, you are in it for better and for worst, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. You are expected to love your partner unconditionally; accept your partners flaws, even if that means tolerating their gaudy taste in silverware.  

Well, theoretically.

Sinead O’Connor (the shaved head, pope picture-tearing lady) and Brandi Glanville (Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife/professional crazy person) are the most recent examples of people who, one may say, did not truly abide  by this sacred, somewhat rigid definition of what marriage is.  

For Sinead, marriage was this couple week long thing that she tried out, but then she didn’t like it anymore, so yeah, then she filed for divorce. She is now “working things out” with her “husband.”

For Brandi, marriage was a fun way to spend a weekend in Vegas, get free, superfluous publicity, and systematically screw with her best guy friend’s emotions.  In addition, getting married also gives her the added benefit of sticking it to her ex-husband.  Because, you know, children really benefit from seeing that kind of behavior from their mother.  

Regardless, these “ladies” haven’t exactly followed through with the vows they took on their wedding day, and yet, me thinks I see a glaring double standard.   

Marriage is supposed to be this sacred sacrament, right?  After all, it’s the one sacrament that all of the conservative talk show hosts harp and gripe and twitch and violently convulse about on a regular basis.  

But they aren’t upset at what Brandi or Sinead or doing.  No, it’s “the gays” and their free love, deviant sexual behavior, and shameless desire to settle down and have children that will systematically destroy marriage until it becomes…well, what exactly?

I’ve got a newsflash for you my friends, Pamela Anderson got married in a string white bikini on a yacht whilst wearing a sailor hat, to a man who appears to have not bathed since 1996.  

If you’re worried about the sanctity of marriage becoming obsolete within our pop culture, well, take a look around you.  We’re there, right now.  If you don’t believe me, turn on your television.  Any station will do.  Be sure to have some tissues and perhaps a nice flask of momma’s homemade “happy juice” at hand, because it’s a wild and semi-frightening reality show jungle out there.

Let’s just say, as soon as you start finding “your future wife” on a reality dating show that features a hot tub, free booze, and twelve women with no boundaries, it’s safe to say that the sacrament of marriage has been desecrated.

So why, may I ask, does no one care about these shows, or these women and their behavior?  Why, if marriage is so crazy sacred, do people only seem to care about which gender you are, rather than whether or not you actually take what is supposedly a “sacrament” seriously?  I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but I’d love to hear the pope’s opinion on Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s recent divorce.  Would the pope be shocked?  Saddened?  Or super stoked because he’s always hoped that Katy’s music would go in a darker direction?  You know, less teenage dream, more of a Franciscan nun feel to it, a little less sex, a little more mea culpa, that sort of thing.  

But alas, his holiness the pope careth not-eth about normal heterosexual deviances in marriage.  He mostly just doesn’t like the gays.  ‘Cause, you know, there’s like, that sentence in the bible…so yeah.  No gay marriage.  That would be very anti-Christian.  Little known biblical fact;  Jesus’ number one priority was to make sure that gays should never, ever marry.  He even demanded that his apostles wear pants instead of robes, because robes were, in his words, “way gayer.”  Also, turning water into wine was just the opening act.  His real talent was turning water into single malt liquor.

I find it interesting, that in contrast, to the pope’s silence about the ever increasing divorce rate, and the general acceptance of infidelity within marriages in popular culture, that the Hindu community is actually a little peeved at Russell and Katy.  They released a statement that, in summation, states that marriage is a pretty big deal in Hinduism, as they have the lowest divorce rate in the world.  It’s their most important sacrament, and that if Katy and Russell were planning on being married in a Hindu ceremony, their asses should have stayed married.  

So where is the sanctity in marriage in the Christian religion, at the very least?  If you’re going to hold marriage up to this ridiculous standard, so as to provide justification for being a bunch of homophobic morons, then, at least try to pretend that you give a damn about the way everyone treats marriage.  Or better yet, actually give a damn.  

Because, although you seem like a bunch of joyless jerks already, the fact that you a bunch of hypocritical joyless jerks certainly isn’t helping your cause, or help you gain any respect.

Or gain any new members of the church.  Or even get the old members to “come home.”

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Catch up with Mia on Twitter @miasminirants.

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