Two Day Magazine

By: Mia Bencivenga

1.) The Kardashian Klan:

For giving me something ridiculous to write about every week.  No writer can be more in debt to the Kardashians and their televised shenanigans than yours truly.  One week, Kim’s in love and she doesn’t care who knows it!  The next, she’s having the fairy tale wedding that she’s always dreamed of, complete with cameras and boom microphones.  Before I even had a chance to send her my wedding gift of a gold and diamond encrusted tissue box container, she files for divorce.  It’s incredible.  Every week, there is some sort of new issue/drama/fight/weight-fluctuation that makes the headline news; that I may conveniently mock for my own amusement.  Thank you, Kardashians, for televising your narcissism.  Without it, myself and so many others would actually have to try and find something of substance to write about.

2.) Major News Networks:

For keeping me up at night.  I never really liked to sleep, and the picture you paint for the future of America genuinely gives me night terrors. Now, I have eight more hours every night, so that I may both pace, sob, and write overly dramatic poetry.  Thank you, friends.  Before, I only had time to do that in between classes, but because of you, I can hide my emotional distress much more conveniently, and have twice the amount of dark creative angst than ever before.

3.) Lady GaGa:

For doing whatever the hell she wants, not really giving a shit and owning fantastic wigs.  Also, for remembering that the only limits on creativity are the ones we make ourselves.  Thank you, Miss Lady, for showing me that I too can wear a dress made out of chewing gum and bandages and still be loved by millions across the globe.

4.) Anthony Weiner:

For perhaps being the greatest pun generator of the last decade.  I mean honestly, your last name is weiner, and you were sending a woman via the internet, pictures of your weiner.  I can’t find the words to describe how delightfully/dreadfully and awesome/terrible that is.  Thank you, but just don’t do it again. Not just for your sake, but honestly, I don’t think I can handle watching Anderson Cooper giggle every time he says Weinergate on live TV.  It’s too much to handle.

5.) Cosmopolitan Magazine:

For having some of the most terrifying stories I’ve ever read. Your advice columns make me worry about the future of the female race, and your sex column makes the act of love making so complicated/vaguely dangerous that you have unwittingly endorsed abstinence in teenage girls across the country.  Also, the excerpted sex scenes from various romance novels that you have hidden away in the last few pages of the magazine have provided me and my group of friends with so much hilarity that I truly will never be able to properly thank you. But I will try. Thank you, Cosmopolitan magazine, for all you do; and perhaps more importantly, for those whom you do.

6.) twodaymag:

For allowing these rants to see the light of day.  Otherwise, who I might just explode, and that really puts a damper on the holidays.

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Now that Mia has made her list of things she is thankful for, tweet her what you are most grateful for @miasminirants.

twoday magazine wants to know: How are you spending Thanksgiving Day? Facebook us your plans for this fun-tastic holiday!