Two Day Magazine

By: Mia Bencivenga

Now that Kim Kardashian’s behemoth of a wedding has concluded, one would think that we, the common folk, would be given a brief reprieve from the constant barrage of magazine covers and E! News specials featuring nothing but the aforementioned family.

However, it seems that the head honcho running things upstairs has one heckuva sense of humor, and so, the endless flow of pointless information continues to trickle down into our everyday lives, clogging up our smart phones with its drudgery.

Point being; the Kardashian clan is not going away.  Not for a long, long time.  So, instead of fighting them, I’ve decided to simply act as a guide.  A voice, if you will, speaking for the people, telling them what we want to see them do.

Here are my humble suggestions: 

Keeping Up With the Kardashians:  Wax Figure or Kim Kardashian?  

A game show-type set up. Kim Kardashian must pose next to sea of wax figurines of herself, and select members of the audience decide which Kim is the real one.  The audience member who gives the right answer is “rewarded” by receiving their very own wax life sized figurine of Kim Kardashian.  

Fun Fact:  Wax Kim does a great job keeping crows at bay if you are worried about your harvest.

Kourtney and Scott:  Wrangling Wasilla!  

Kourtney and Scott relocate to Wasilla, Alaska, for a fresh start.  But, trouble starts a brewin’ when Scott accidentally hits a snow-machine-ridin’ Todd Palin, on an icy embankment.  Todd is uninsured, but the wreck does major damage to Scott’s reputation in Wasilla.  Tensions rise further when Kourtney and Scott get into financial problems and move into a nearby igloo, which has little closet space to hold Scott’s vast number of fedoras.

Keeping Up With Kris Jenner!  And Only Kris Jenner!  I Don’t Need My Daughters to Get Ratings!  I’m Interesting Enough on My Own, DAMMIT!

A camera follows Kris Jenner around Los Angeles as she undergoes the stressful task of “managing” her daughters “burgeoning” “careers.”  The camera is held by Kris Jenner, herself, and the series is broadcasted via YouTube.

The Little Kardashians:  Please Help Us Become Normal People

The youngest members of the Kardashian clan send out pleas via television to find new homes where they can learn important life lessons such as; how to open your own car door, where you can find generic hair products, and what a public restroom looks like.

Khloe and Lamar:  Wedding, Take 2.

Upset that her sister Kim’s wedding was more lavish than her own, Khloe vows to waste more money and resources than her sister while planning the renewal of her vows to Lamar.  Some dramatic scenes include Khloe burning money in a pit of fire, while she dances around it, overjoyed at her being less fiscally responsible than her sister.  Most scenes, however, only feature Lamar Odom and Kris Humphries sobbing into each other’s shoulders.

And last but certainly not least:

Bruce Jenner’s Yelling at God

Much like his wife’s series, this is simply Bruce Jenner filming himself and putting up the videos on YouTube.  They usually last only a few fleeting moments, are consist mostly of cries of pain from Bruce Jenner to God.  The reason why is never revealed, but we all have a pretty good guess.

Well, that’s all I have for now.  Personally, I’d love to see any of these shows, but mostly because I’m a bit of a masochist.  

But, then again, if you watch the Kardashians in the first place, you must be, too.

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