Two Day Magazine

...Study Finds One-Third Snoop on Lovers’ Email, Texts

www.msnbc.com did an eye-opening story today on how a large percentage of us are giving into the ‘strongest new temptation of the 21st century--the casual glance at a lover’s cell phone text message or email.’ Anyone out there guilty as charged?

Msnbc reports that a study commissioned by an online gadget review site, www.retrevo.com found that 38% of people under 25 had crossed that once forbidden line, stealing a glance at their lover’s private information. 36% of married adults (regardless of age) also ‘fessed up to the same naughty behavior.

It is a tempting thing to do. You are sitting around, waiting for your girlfriend to finish getting ready and her cell is just sitting quietly on her nightstand. Do you take a peak? Or your boyfriend gets up from his computer and his email is still up on the screen. Don’t you want to look, just a little? And if you find yourself a snoop-aholic, what does this mean for your relationship? Is counseling in order?

“We were surprised to see how large the percentage was,” said Manish Rathi, co-founder of Retrevo.

Some, however, were not surprised at the results. “It happens all the time,” says counselor Jay Slupesky. “That has brought people into counseling on many occasions.”

Even though Retrevo found that men and women spy on their partners equally, Slupesky stated that two-thirds of his snooping patients are women. “Women are more likely to notice something is missing in the emotional connection, and men cheat more,” he said bluntly.

Snooping on your partner has taken on a new life of its own, prompting businesses, tv shows, and gadgets to hone in on the potentially cheating spouse and exploit people’s neuroses. There are hidden cameras, snooping software for cell phones, and enabling GPS location software on a cell phone that is designed to help parents track children instead track their partner unknowingly. The possibilities are endless and getting weirder and weirder.

It’s even gotten to the point where, in 2005, the Department of Justice indicted that owners of a firm named LoverSpy. LoverSpy was an electronic greeting card company that contained Trojan horse software intended to track your partner’s internet activity. 4 of their clients were also charged with wiretapping their partners illegally!

“In the past, if you looked around after your lover you’d get caught. You had to look at their phone bill or rummage through someone’s drawers,” said Rathi. “Now, it’s always available and people don’t necessarily see it as spying. It’s just so easy to do it. The phone is sitting right there.”

Slupesky, the counselor, says it’s never a good idea to cross that line.

“I am always opposed to spying. If you are in a loving relationship, you just don’t spy on your partner. If there is a suspicion of infidelity, the relationship needs therapy, not snooping--there are better ways to address your concerns.”

Slupesky thinks part of the reason people are snooping on one another is out of fear that they are being replaced, or aren’t “number one” in their lover’s lives, anymore. The fear and paranoia drive them to do silly things, such as spying. Would you want your lover spying on you? Of course not! So, why would you do it to them?

Slupesky goes on to say, “one thing I do when someone tells me they are doing that is I ask, ‘Did you feel better after you looked at his phone?’ They usually say, ‘No.’ And then I ask, ‘If it doesn’t make you feel better, why do you keep doing it?’”

My question is, what if you do find something inappropriate on their phone or email? Then what? You can’t just go to them and be like, “Hey I found out you may be having an inappropriate relationship. How you ask? By breaking into your email and following you on GPS. Yeah, that’s right. I’m crazy!”

There is no good way to deal with telling someone that you snooped. And, since there isn’t, I suggest you don’t do it. Seriously. This is madness. A relationship should be about mutual respect, love and trust. If one of those things are missing, the other two can’t hold the weight of the relationship and you will crumble.

So, ladies and gents, put down the cell phone, back away from the computer, and for goodness sake’s, no tracking devices in your partner’s car! Instead, open communication is key and give each other the attention that you need to keep your love afloat in this sea of crazy.