Two Day Magazine

...www.ashleymadison.com...killing marriage, one bored couple at a time...

I was on http://www.lemondrop.com this morning, looking for inspiration. I came across this gem of an article about a woman who wants to cheat, but hasn’t found the right man  yet. Interestingly enough, the fastest growing segment on http://www.ashleymadison.com
 (which has over 5 million members) is newlywed women. (AKA women who have been married for less than 3 years.)

The article talked about a woman named Melanie (not her real name), 31, who hasn’t even been married for two years and is a journalist in LA. She met her hubby five years ago. They had great chemistry; her hubby is business-savvy, charming, and strong. He was different from the cerebral artsy types she had always been drawn to in the past.

As she approached 30, her mind was set on the white picket fence, the perfect husband, and of course, 2.4 kids. Everyone that she introduced him to fell in love with him, and told her that they were a perfect fit. She started to believe her friends and family, basically talking herself into the fact that he might be “THE ONE”. (What the hell does that mean, anyway? Way too much pressure for someone to live up to!)

They moved in together after two years, and decided to elope rather than have a big, poofy wedding. After the rosy glow of being pronounced “Mr. and Mrs.” started to fade, her hubby began traveling more for work. She realized that marrying someone so ambitious meant that they were apart a lot, and every time she expressed her frustration, he would reply: “You knew who you married.”

She began to feel bored. Things were stagnant. She was home alone all the time, feeling like her life was passing her by. She began reading articles about monogamy and whether it truly is attainable. Would she even care if her man slept with another person? Not really. She would be more upset if they cuddled afterwards. What about swinging? Flirting with others to keep her marriage hot? She didn’t know what to think, anymore, but she knew something had to give.

After about six months of being a bored newlywed, while alone AGAIN, she decided to sign up for http://www.ashleymadison.com (A website dedicated to married people wanting to have a discreet affair.) She created her free profile and went to bed. When she woke up,  her mailbox had 500 responses.

Melanie weeded through them, responding to several, feeling the ego boost, thinking it was all just a game. She wasn’t really going to cheat, was she? Most of the men she began talking to were around her age, who were also in unfulfilled, unhappy marriages. A lot of guys she met were married to women who had said to them, “If you don’t marry me, we are breaking up,” and they didn’t want to lose their girlfriend. (Geez, those women should have read twodaymag’s advice column: 5 things You Shouldn’t Bother Asking a Guy!)

Melanie knew she didn’t want to tear up anyone’s family, so having an affair with a guy who had kids was off-limits to her. Eventually, she narrowed her search to one man who she began corresponding with regularly. She revealed her salacious news to only a few (including her mother, who was non-judgmental, but not thrilled, either. She liked Melanie’s hubby and didn’t want him to get hurt.) Her girlfriend’s advice was to just talk to her husband about feeling neglected. She couldn’t, claiming he would want a divorce.

The man she was corresponding with never met her. He emailed her one day and said he wanted to work things out with his wife. But, Melanie is still on the site. She hasn’t found anyone yet, but she is still open to it, feeling that her relationship is going through a rough patch and that this website experience is a Band-Aid.

A Band-Aid? Um, no. Band-Aids protect and heal a wound. If anything, this website is like pouring salt into one. I have heard this story from women before. They try to follow the stupid rules we have created in our society. Finish college. Get a decent job. Date around. Find a guy that fits your wish list. (Or has at least one trait on that list.) Date exclusively for a while. Get married. Quit working or start working even harder because you....possibly have kids. Live happily ever after. All before you turn 35.

Does anyone else see what is so wrong with this? Life doesn’t work out so neat and tidy. So linear. Women set themselves up for failure with this type of mentality. Screw what you are supposed to do. What do you WANT to do with your life? Do you want to travel? Have a career? Date? Have children? Who is putting pressure on you to walk the line of convention?

Women are told to be ‘good.’ Familial pressure as well as pressure from other women (who feel the same weight on them) are told that you should marry the first guy that asks. You should want to get married. Marriage is great, they say. Well, is it?

Marriage is a lot of work. Hard work. And those vows ‘for better or worse’ should mean something. Melanie should have never married this guy. She felt that she was at ‘that age’ where you get married. She probably had a few serious relationships, but never really explored her sexuality, sewed her wild oats (YES young women should do this) or knew what she really wanted from a man. She married the ‘good on paper’ guy and six months into it, she got bored and now wants to cheat.

Instead of being able to express her feelings to her husband, she is bottling, and probably losing interest in him. She will probably stop sleeping with him, or at least lose interest in the sex, and then cheat (but for real). Where will this lead? Does she really want children amidst all this? This isn’t fair to her husband, either.

Women need to communicate and open their minds and hearts up, just like men need to. We live in a society where we have millions of ways to connect to people, and yet we are further apart from one another than ever before. This marriage is not going to make it because clearly she isn’t mentally or emotionally committed. For women, that is the kiss of death. Once we remove ourselves from the equation, all bets are off.

So, for all the men out there who think that their wives would never cheat, think again. Are you spending enough time with her? Did you even want to marry in the first place? We need to rethink why we are uniting with people into an institution that maybe some aren’t ready for. Marriage can be a beautiful thing. But, one must know themselves first. And, unfortunately for Melanie, she has no clue who she is, or what she wants. That does not a marriage make.