Two Day Magazine

...Guys with Facial Hair Do Not Want Sex.

Does anyone else feel this way, too? I was walking down the street yesterday and I saw this guy with an “Aristotle” type beard. And, no, he wasn’t as old as this philosopher, but it was just so unattractive, I started thinking, “well, maybe he doesn’t want sex. Ever.”

And then I started to wonder, do guys grow beards on purpose when they are trying to separate themselves from the physical world to become more in tune with their their spiritual or mental abilities? If you look back in history, many of the great thinkers had long beards or those really thick, unruly mustaches (think Albert Einstein.) Perhaps in order to have all of that brain power, they need all the blood flowing to their big head, not their little one. Or, maybe it is for religious reasons?

So, maybe I need to cut them a break, because these guys could be on the verge of solving world hunger or something. They could even be wizards! Maybe women are a distraction to these brainiacs and so they want to look as unattractive as possible, so they can focus on what’s really important. Like quantum physics.

But, then, my cynical side started whispering, “they are just lazy.” Is this what is really going on? Have you ever seen a guy with a beard trying to eat? Ew. What girl would want to sit across from that while he has crumbs all in his beard? What is the etiquette on that? Do you reach over with your fork and comb out his face mane? I mean, seriously, that is one major turn off.

And then, there is the sex. Do you want to kiss a guy with a beard? Truly? How do you make out with someone when you can’t find their lips? And the brush burn! I once got a rash on my face from making out with a guy who was just stubbly (not even a full on beard), and let me tell you, it really hurt! For days! Needless to say, I never called him again!

Then there is the fact, do you want a guy with a beard going down on you? What if you just waxed? Can you imagine the forest fire he could start down there? I wouldn’t want his stubbly-ness anywhere near my delicate skin!

Also, guys with beards seem mysterious and a little dangerous. But, in a bad way. Sort of like a serial killer. Is that the kind of message you want to send out to the ladies?

But, then again, maybe I am totally wrong. I am sure there is a huge market out there for grizzly bears and I am just not seeing it. But, that’s ok. I can appreciate their ruggedness just fine from over here, thank you very much. And, hopefully, after they find a cure for cancer, they can come out of hibernation, shave off that beard, and everything will be smoooooooth sailing!