Two Day Magazine

It’s “death to Shakespeare” week at Disney, apparently. They have managed to take the most tragic, most beautifully written, most iconic love story of all time (of course, I am talking about Romeo and Juliet) and have decided to turn it into a 3D kids’ movie extravaganza. I’m sure a video game will soon follow.

Watch in horror as they butcher some of the most eloquent writing of all time on the subject of unrequited love, familial duty and senseless feuding. They have taken the characters and turned them into GARDEN GNOMES. (Pause for gasping.)

“Two gardens, both alike in dignity, In fair Disneyland, where we lay our scene,” just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, wouldn’t you agree?

Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. There is no possible way to capture the depth of the sentiment behind the words Shakespeare wrote so long ago, and while many have reworked his timeless script, no one has ever tried to turn this poetry into a children’s movie.

There will be very little of the actual play in the butchered storyline, I’m sure, and I would assume (spoiler alert ahead) that the double suicide scene at the end will be removed in place of a cutesy wedding scene accompanied by classic Elton John music. What’s worse is that they actually have secured real talent to voice this blasphemous tale. Emily Blunt, Michael Caine and Patrick Stewart must have scored a big paycheck for this one.

Shakespeare is either rolling over in his grave or finding great humor in how moronic our forms of entertainment have become. Of all the fairy tales to tell, of all the stories to share with children, what were the people of Disney smoking the day they decided to rework the most classic of all love stories into a garden-gnome themed tale?

For never was a story of more woe, Than this of Juliet and her Gnomeo.