Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

My sister’s marriage is ending and I can’t say I am unhappy about it. He was an emotionally abusive jerk. The problem is, she is starting to give in a little bit and has been telling me that she may take him back. He cheated on her with a friend of hers about three months ago, and she was determined to divorce him, but now I’m not sure. He has been trying to win her back ever since. I think she is just scared of being alone after 8 years of being together. She’s very sensitive about this subject and I don’t want to push her away. But I can’t stand seeing her like this and I don’t want her to get back with him. How do I approach this?

--Stay Strong

Dear Stay Strong,

You are in quite a difficult situation. I completely understand your frustration and I empathize with your dilemma. It is hard to be the voice of reason. You are right, as you have to be delicate in your approach, so that you don’t turn her off to you and have her run right back into his arms.

Here are a few suggestions as to how to approach the topic:

• Remind her of the infidelity. Yes, it may seem like you are rubbing salt into an open wound, but the emotional pain may be just what she needs to get back in touch with as to remind her why she left him in the first place. Be gentle about it, but don’t hesitate to use this as a way to keep her angry. Use her anger to sign those papers. She doesn’t need a lying cheater in her life.

• Let her stay with you for a weekend (if possible) just to clear her head. Sometimes a little distance is the key to keeping things moving forward. If she can just escape the physical space for a few days to collect her thoughts, she may be less inclined to want to be back in that emotional space. The house or apartment they share reminds her of all their happy times, too, which may weaken her resolve.

• Insist that she seek counseling. Explain to her that a third person’s fresh perspective may help her make the most rational decision. She may not want to tell you the full truth, as she may worry you could judge her. So if she sees a therapist, they may be able to push her towards starting fresh more easily than you could.

• Remember, you are her sister first, so just be there for her. I know you are thinking, “I am there for her,” but sometimes giving advice to her all day long can grow tiresome for you both. Take some time to just do something fun together, take her mind off the situation, and have a few laughs. Sisters are many things, and friends may be the most important. Yes, she needs support, but she may just need your company, too.

Finally, whatever she decides to do, you must accept it. At the end of the day, it is her life. All you can do is stand by her and be there for her. The role of the sister is a rewarding one, but it can be quite a challenge, as well.

Good luck and thanks for the question!

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