Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

My sister and I are incredibly competitive. We have always been this way. We are two years apart, and I’m older. She is convinced that I am always trying to “one-up” her and I feel as though she is just a jealous bitch most of the time. Our parents are older now and hate that we fight a lot. I am seriously trying to better our relationship, and I want to go to counseling. I think a lot of our issues stem from our childhood in which she was the “favorite” of my father’s. To this day, I still feel resentful. She, in turn, feels as though I have always been mean to her and that my mother takes my side. What do I do? We are both in our twenties now and I don’t want it to be like this forever, especially now because I am expecting my first child with my husband. I haven’t told her yet.

--Sister Drama

Dear Sister Drama,

Sounds as though you have had a shift in your perspective on life now that you are pregnant. Perhaps you have been able to reflect and realize that the petty drama you experienced growing up needs to be put behind you because you want your sister as an active member in your expanding family’s life. And I think that is terrific.

I think it is important that you approach your sister from a place of honesty and love. Let her know that even though you both have your faults (and yes, you have to admit yours, too) you love her and you want to better your relationship. Tell her that you are pregnant, and explain to her that since becoming pregnant, you have begun to reflect and realize how valuable your relationship with her is.

Let her know that you want to take steps to improve that relationship. Then suggest that you attend counseling together and separately.

If she is onboard, (which hopefully she will be since she probably wants to be in a better place, as well) schedule an appointment as soon as you can. I encourage you both to attend counseling individually, as well, so that you can deal with the deep-rooted issues that you have with one another and be able to move beyond them.

You are adults now. You can tell that little girl inside of you that it is okay to grow up and evolve past your tendencies to act out as you would have when you become upset with her ten years ago. Working on healthy boundaries and better communication with not only your sister but with your parents may also ease the transition into this new dynamic between the two of you.

Be aware that she may not be receptive to help or that there are certain things about her (and you) that cannot be changed. Accept her where she is and just work towards bettering the relationship as best you can. I applaud you for wanting to improve your relationship.

Sisterly relationships can be very complex, but there is something really wonderful about having a sister, and hopefully you can both get to a place where you can appreciate the friendship you create.

Good luck and thanks for the question!

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