Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

A few months ago I was in a motorcycle accident. Had no major physical injuries other than a traumatic brain injury that I am in rehab for (I have been told that I may take as much as a year of outpatient rehab). 

One of the first people I remember seeing after the amnesia subsided about 5 weeks after the accident was my girlfriend of a few months (around 3 months pre-accident). I found out that she had been bedside EVERY day since my accident -  I apparently didn't remember her name but I knew we had an intimate relationship, as I've been told.

Pre-accident, we had talked about a trip in the spring to Spain and Italy. I had been thinking about proposing in Italy (I knew exactly the place I wanted to propose). When I found out about her dedication to me, I proposed from my hospital bed (and told her I would owe her a ring).

She seemed very happy, and there was no hesitation in her positive answer. A few weeks later, however, she asked that the engagement "be put on hold", so that I could concentrate 100% on my healing/rehab. As in, I shouldn't consider her my fiance any more. A few weeks after that, when I had been asking some questions about the state of our relationship (it isn't physical right now, for instance), and I asked about my proposal, I found out that she considered it somewhat unfair, that "no woman whose boyfriend had just come out of a coma would ever answer no to a proposal."

So now, I'm not sure even where our relationship is. She still tells me she loves me almost every day, but we have no physical relationship, and she won't make any plans (marriage unrelated) past a few weeks in advance,

So I have two questions,  I guess.  Was she correct that my marriage proposal was "unfair"? Also, does this relationship have a future?

Thanks

-TBI Survivor

Dear TBI Survivor,

What an ordeal you have been through. Yes, recovering from Traumatic Brain Injury can be a very laborious process that may or may not result in complete recovery, so I commend you in your efforts to focus on your health and to work towards finding a sense of normalcy in your life once more. You have met a loving and wonderful woman, it seems, one who stood by youf during your time in the hospital. It must be such a great feeling to know that someone cares so deeply for you.

Because she cares so deeply, I can understand her hesitation in not wanting to rush into marrying you. Maybe she feels as though you haven’t had enough time to really process what has happened to you and she may look at your proposal in retrospect as an impulsive decision because you had a life-altering event take place. So, in a sense, I understand how she feels as though it was unfair. You were vulnerable and she is a good person. She didn't want to let you down while you proposed from a hospital bed. Maybe she feels as though she reacted too quickly, herself, in agreeing to marriage so that she could please you. Perhaps her fears of marriage are exasperated because she isn’t ready at this point as to what “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” may really mean.

Whatever her reason, take this as a sign to slow down. Slow down the relationship and give yourself some time and space to heal, both physically and emotionally. An experience like the one you have undergone may take more time than you realize to process. Take the gift she is giving you: Time. Utilize it to improve your overall health.

As for the lack of a physical relationship, take the pressure off there, as well. Maybe she is having a hard time shifting from caretaker back to lover. Maybe deep down it is hard for you to be intimate because you are still dealing with raw and intense emotions related to the accident. In any case, express your concerns gently to her and look for other ways to be intimate with one other, whether it be cuddling, open communication, or a fun activity like cooking dinner together. Creating a new normal make take some time, but it is possible to continue living a fulfilling life.

I highly recommend that you seek out counseling, both as a couple and individually. Both of you have been through a lot these past few months, and you owe it to yourselves to release your feelings so that you can move forward with your relationship and with your lives. I do believe that your relationship has a future. She seems like a loyal and dedicated person, who loves and cares for you. If it is meant to be, time will tell. And in this case, especially, for the foreseeable future, just take it one day at a time.

Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you a speedy and full recovery.

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