Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

I recently lost my fiance to another woman and since then, I have been on a streak of dating “bad boys.” But one in particular has started to get under my skin. He is a really good looking guy, has a good job, is great in bed, but he is a total jerk. He stands me up half the time, he only wants to meet up for sex, and he clearly has no interest in taking things to the next level. He can be rude, self-centered and obnoxious. I won’t let my friends meet him, but I find myself falling for him. I’m a mess. Any suggestions as to how to get out of this “bad boy” cycle?

---Good Girl Gone Bad

Dear Good Girl Gone Bad,

It doesn’t surprise me that you are going after “bad boys” after what happened between you and your fiance. But let’s scratch the surface and dig a little deeper as to the real reasons why you are falling for, let’s be honest, total jerks.

• You are punishing yourself. After your fiance left you for another woman, your self-esteem plummeted and you think that you don’t deserve anyone nice. Not only that, but you are punishing yourself for what happened between you and your ex, taking full responsibility for the fact that he left you. However, he is the one that broke the trust. I understand you may be feeling worthless, but dating bad boys will not, in any way, help you to feel better about yourself.

• You lost trust and faith in men, so you want to date at arm’s distance. I get it. Your fiance hurt you deeply, and so now you may feel as though there is no point in trying for a real relationship. You might as well just have sex and float for a while. And that’s okay. But by focusing your energies on men that treat you poorly, you are only digging the emotional hole much deeper and harder to climb out of.

• The pain feels good. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but you may be hurting so badly on the inside, that you want to make that pain more visible, hence dating jerks. You want everyone to see that you don’t deserve anyone nice and so you wear these bad boys like badges of honor.

I am truly saddened for you by what happened between you and your fiance. Planning a wedding should be an exciting time in a woman’s life, and planning your married future should be full of anticipation. But he just wasn’t the right man for you, and lucky that you found this out now rather than a year into your marriage. Give yourself some space and time away from the dating pool. These bad boys aren’t worth your time or attention, and while it may have felt good for a little bit to date “on the edge”, clearly you are being hurt. You don’t deserve that.

It’s time for a clean slate. No more fiance. No more bad boys. Instead, spend time with other people in your life. Lean on them for support. Enjoy sleeping alone in your bed for a while. Enjoy doing your own thing, not having to answer to anyone. Embrace your freedom. Maybe take a trip somewhere warm if you can. Exercise. Take up a new hobby. Allow yourself some space to recenter so that you don’t stay on the bad-boy-merry-go-round.

Clearly you are aware that these men are toxic. That’s half the battle right there. Now it is time to excise yourself from the situation and move into a healthier place so that you don’t do lasting emotional damage to yourself.

Girlfriend, you are worth more than what you give yourself credit for. Don’t allow these bad boys to take advantage of your emotional state. Rid yourself of the toxicity in your life and allow good things to come to you.

Good luck and thanks for the question!

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