Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

My husband has been suffering from depression, anxiety, nervous breakdowns for a few years now; since before we've met. This past weekend he had anxiety which lead to a nervous breakdown on Monday.

I was out running errands on Monday and received a call from him saying, "I was just there, I picked up some stuff and I'm staying at my parents."

I was completely surprised and shocked. He stated that he had a breakdown, had heart palpitations and wanted to be away from me until he got better. He came Wednesday picked up more stuff and said he was unsure if he'd sign the lease for the coming year since "he didn't even know where he was standing."

He leaves. A couple hours later he calls and says, that he “hopes we can work things out once he gets better, I love you!" I don't call him, I allow him to be.  My opinion is that he needs his space. I get it!  But why leave me out in the cold like that? And please, not signing the lease as if I didn't need a roof over my head?

He called yesterday morning and said he was going to the Dr. for more medication. He missed me and wanted to say hi. I'm completely taken aback from the entire situation. I purchased a one-way ticket to Hawaii to clear my head. Should I still be here waiting for him when he returns? Who walks out on their family like that? What if we'd had children? I can't fathom his selfishness.

I'm hurt, offended by his actions. I'm sure he's hurt and offended that I don't call asking him to come home, or checking up on him periodically; he left, he did this.

Thank You!

-Confused Love

Dear Confused Love,

This is a very difficult situation to find yourself in and I empathize with the stress and sadness you must be feeling. Whenever someone is in a relationship with another person who has serious mental or emotional issues, there can become serious tensions between the two people, wedging them apart.

It sounds as though you really love your husband, but that he is not in a place to be in a relationship right now. And this isn’t fair. He signed up for a marriage....and now he seems to be abandoning you.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Sounds as though you have the right idea in taking a break from him right now. Go to Hawaii. Spend some time in the sun and meditate on what you want from a marriage,  a man, and for your life in general. Where do you see yourself in the future? How do you see him fitting into that equation? In my opinion, no man should abandon his family. I know he isn’t well, but he didn’t even come and talk about how he was feeling with you, he just up and left. To make matters worse, he isn’t fulfilling his financial obligations of providing a roof over his wife’s head. Call me old fashion, but to leave your love, your wife and your partner out in the cold like that clearly demonstrates that he isn’t thinking clearly.

Maybe he needs in-patient treatment somewhere if he is in such a fragile emotional place. Perhaps staying with his family will only lend itself to being a crutch and won’t get him the real help he needs. Encourage him to seek out inpatient care so that he can recover from this episode and find better coping tools to prevent future ones.

But that doesn’t help you. How are you supposed to deal? Is he expecting you to power on without him? Does he expect you to divorce him? Does he want you to? Or, is he expecting you to stick around indefinitely and see what happens?

Look, you took a vow “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” And I don’t take those vows lightly. And since you are emailing me your concerns, it is clear you hold those vows sacred, as well.

I recommend that you enjoy your time in Hawaii, give him space while you are there and clear your head. When you get back, you should seek out someone to engage you both in marital counseling, as well as individual. If he won’t go, you still can go and express how you are feeling.

I can’t tell you whether you should stick it out with him or look at other options, like a legal separation. If he is so quick to abandon you, I would be concerned both for his mental health and commitment to this relationship. You need to get him to go to counseling with you to see what is going on underneath this issue. If he isn’t willing, then you need to make decisions. I believe in “for better or for worse” but not when the “for worse” part entails you living alone for the rest of your life because he abandoned you.

Take some time. Meditate on your options. Meditate on your future. Come back to the states with a clear head and a firm resolve that you will move your life forward...with or without him.

Good luck and thanks for the question!

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